Monthly Archives: March 2013
For anyone who may have missed the memo, today the Supreme Court heard arguments regarding Proposition 8, marking what I hope will be the beginning of a historic turning point in our society. Never is social media so prevalent than when a hot-button issue is raised, and today was certainly no exception. Facebook “turned red,” in support, with hundred of thousands of supporters changing their profile picture to a red equal sign, and Twitter’s hashtag of #gaymarriage was certainly the most trending topic. It’s no secret I’m a supporter, and after coming across this fabulous post I wanted to add my own two cents to some of the arguments that popped up across various social media websites throughout the day. Mostly because dumb people are funny.
***If you don’t agree with gay marriage, you probably want to just stop here. You’re certainly entitled to your opinion, but I think it’s stupid, and that’s the nicest way I can say it.***
From an article in Nacogdoches County, Texas
“A marriage is between a man and a woman and they’re trying to take a situation that doesn’t constitute marriage and have rights on that,” said Shelia Anthony.
- Well that there’s a good sentence, ain’t it Shelia? I like that nowhere here is there any reasoning, supporting argument, or sentence structure. And that her momma apparently couldn’t spell “Sheila.”
“If you were to put men on one island and woman on another island eventually the world would die off,” said Ethan Yates.
- Yes, and if you put cats on one island and dogs on the other you’d have two islands with only cats and dogs. And if we ran out of water, we’d also die. And if dinosaurs came back, we’d probably die too. And if a meteor hit Earth, again, DEAD. Also, in your particular situation, if we put men on island and “woman,” on another island, which actually means only one woman, that would just be cruel and unusual punishment. But assuming you meant all the women in the world on one island and all the men another – hey Ethan? We fucking discovered Earth was round, we discovered electricity, we invented the internet which allows your dumb opinion to be read by hundreds, we have people in SPACE; I guaran-goddam-tee the men and women would find each other’s island. Also, kudos on coming up with a realistic situation that totally translates well to your strong argument against gay marriage.
Here are some comments from Yahoo! users in response to this article regarding today’s hearings.
“People, you are all missing the main point!! Thje The only reason participants in marriage, (traditional marriage,) were given certain “rights” was because they provide the best environment in which to raise children. It IS that simple! Laws on inheretence inheritance, hospital visitation, etc., can be changed but the fundamental privaleges privileges of marriage should be reserved for marriages consisting of one man and one woman because that is what’s best for the children that might be created. Same-sex marriages do not provide the same benefit to society and thus should not be afforded the same privaleges privileges. It IS that simple.”
- Now that we’ve fixed your grammar and made this an almost coherent paragraph, I’m kind of too tired to point out that if I had to guess, while I’m sure you believe your spawn are the greatest benefit to society since your husband Jimmy Bob was created, they’re probably going to grow up to be assholes. And I can point out about four hundred marriages off the top of my head that are surely of ZERO benefit to society. All of Rush Limbaugh’s (traditional, sacred, marriages) come to mind.
“Gay marriage should be handled at the state level. If you’re gay and want to get married, move to a state where it’s legal. If you don’t agree with gay marriage, move to a state where it’s illegal. Simple as that.”
- Interesting. I would imagine there were a lot of people back in the day that said the same thing about segregation, women’s rights, and interracial marriage. Don’t say it’s not the same thing. IT IS THE SAME THING.
“And GOD said, though shall NOT sleep with another man. Case closed.”
- I’m ignoring the fact that this guy got the verse completely wrong. His misguided point comes across and it’s my favorite. The old standby that every opponent of gay rights ultimately falls back on, seeing as they don’t have any actual reasoning behind their ignorance. The Bible also says if a woman isn’t a virgin when she is married she can be stoned to death. It forbids tattoos and rounded haircuts, folks. I’m not saying the Good Book isn’t good; however, the possibility that it’s slightly outdated in some respects really needs to be considered.
I did a post a while back about the top searches on Yahoo! and how maybe, just a little, this is why other countries hate us. Very rarely are they related to politics or war or hunger or poverty or – well, the list goes on and on, but safe to say they’re generally a little too Kardashian-based to warrant actual news or current events. That’s not to say they’re not interesting search terms, but seeing what hundreds of thousands of people apparently search on a daily basis never fails to intrigue me. Today’s was one of the more abstract I’d seen in quite a while, so I decided to share.
Here’s a few of the top searches from today.
First of all, is anyone else a little concerned that the nation’s top nude beach is in Mazomanie, WISCONSIN??? Don’t get me wrong, I love Wisconsin. I love my family there, I love camping, I love Summerfest, I love fishing. But nude beaching it? In Wisconsin? Have I missed something? Is a Midwest state where it’s only warm enough to even be on a beach like seven times a year really the go-to spot for nudists? If that’s not curious enough – the nude beach has apparently only been shut down on weekdays, as that’s when the majority of “shenanigans,” ensue. Apparently, 83 of the 92 citations issued in the past four years have been on weekdays. On one hand, I’m thinking maybe I’ve been in Chicago too long, as 92 citations in four years seems extremely low, considering we have nearly as many murders every two months here. On the other, I have to ask – if you are arrested on a nude beach in Mazomanie, Wisconsin, on a Tuesday afternoon, where exactly is your rock bottom? That has to be it, amirite??
Apparently Lindsey Vonn showed up with her “boyfriend” Tiger Woods at his daughter’s baseball game, but instead of walking in the arm of her new man proudly, she stayed in the car for an hour to avoid seeing Tiger’s ex-wife. Is it just me, or is this guy the dumbest person, like, ever? Don’t you have publicity people? And do they not realize that hiding your girlfriend in the car is going to garner more attention that showing up unobtrusively and watching the game? I get not being ready to have them both in the same place, but having her sit in the car like a dog or naughty child seems relatively counterproductive to your image. Also, honey? Just start running now. You’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re talented - you do not need to be this jackhole’s arm candy. If it was you who wanted to wait in the car – you are not ready for the scrutiny your relationship is going to garner. If it was his idea? I repeat, he’s a jackhole. Start running. Nothing good is coming from this.
The rapper’s home apparently was sold recently, in foreclosure, for a reported $4 million dollars less than it was worth. I’m going to skip over the fact that someone who had enough money to take out a $4 million mortgage and who “Isn’t having money problems,” according to his financial advisor, isn’t paying his bills because it makes me want to eat my own head. My question is more – why is this news? The man has a video of himself peeing on adolescents. (Yes, yes, he was acquitted. So was O.J.) He’s clearly not the brightest crayon in the box. Are we really surprised that he didn’t balance his books properly or invest his money wisely?
This has been on the list all day long and I was finally curious enough to look at it. An Atlanta Hawks cheerleader fell on her head in the middle of a performance last night and had to be carted off the court on a stretcher. Um, hello? Is this really that interesting? I fall down ALL THE TIME. Seriously, someone should follow me around with a camera; it’d be like YouTube gold. Not long ago, I slipped on some ice and simultaneously hit my head on a glass door – it was a far more entertaining fall than this one was. That being said, if I am ever to garner unwanted publicity, I sincerely hope that the most interesting thing someone says about me is better than what was said about Kristen here, which was “She’s obsessed with oatmeal creme pies.” Fucking seriously? That’s the only defining characteristic you can come up with? She likes COOKIES??? I hope she gets out of the hospital and immediately punches/disowns the person that gave that information to the reporter.
So there we have it, folks. The most interesting things that happened today involved a cheerleader falling, a rapper losing a house, a philanderer continuing to be a dick, and a nude beach in Wisconsin. Way to go, internet!!!
“How To Be a Good Girlfriend,” According to Cosmo or “Put Down the Cosmo RIGHT NOW,” According to Me
The other day, I came across this little gem in a blog that I follow. I’ve seen it before and it never fails to make me laugh – I mean seriously? “His topics of conversation are more important than yours?” Piss OFF – and as I looked through it, it got me thinking about what today’s guide might say. I was curious. I mean, this guide is clearly no longer relevant – really, “Offer to take off his shoes?” Piss OFF – but what would the modern woman’s guide to dating say? With all of the Facebook and Twitter and texting and Instagram and Tumblr and the fabulous ability to completely stalk someone without their knowledge, it has to be considerably different than the last time I was on the market, way back when we were still figuring out codes for pagers.
So I did some Google searching and came up with this article from Cosmopolitan, and if possible, I’m a little more horrified at this “Do’s and Don’ts” guide than the 1955 version. Who are these girlfriends and the guys that want them? Here’s a few of their “guidelines” to being a good girlfriend. Take a look and then please help me understand how we are supposed to be raising a strong, intelligent, independent generation of women. Because if they’re following all of this advice, we’re failing.
- Do: Watch the Game with His Friends
- Don’t: Cheer Really Loudly, Chug Beer, or Tell Off-Color Jokes
- Apparently, watching the game with his friends says “You’re easygoing and cool,” but enjoying the game as much as him says, “You’re crass and un-ladylike.” Well of course I’m being crass and unladylike. THERE’S FOOTBALL ON. It’s a very un-ladylike game. What do you want me to say when Cutler throws one directly into double coverage in the red zone? “Oh, fudge, sweetie. Let me refill the snacks?” PISS OFF.
- Do: Buy Him Tickets as a Gift
- Don’t: Buy Him a Sweater
- Let me guess – the tickets are for something that her delicate sensibilities can’t handle, like a loud band or baseball game that he can go to with a friend? No way, Jose. Plus – if he needs a sweater, he needs a fucking sweater. And if it “reminds him of his mother,” because she’s the one that buys him clothes? Probably best to take a step back and but quick anyhow – dude’s got mommy issues, honey. Promise.
- Do: Leave a Pretty, Delicate Piece of Jewelry at His Place
- Don’t: Leave a Toothbrush
- Apparently the idea behind this is to make sure your man is reminded of you, but nothing too forward and crazy that might scare his dull mind into thinking you’re serious about your relationship. You know what? You can’t brush your fucking teeth with a necklace, and you can’t replace a pretty necklace with a toothbrush. Also, if you are creating an environment where I don’t feel comfortable leaving a toothbrush at your place, guess what? I’m using yours, asshole.
- Do: In Public, Give Him a Quick Kiss
- Don’t: In Public, Be All Over Him
- Unless, of course, you’re super hot. Then do whatever you want.
- Do: Wear a Matching, Lacy Bra-and-Panty Set
- Don’t: Wear Complicated Teddies and Bustiers
- Clearly, because men hate porn and often contemplate how they’re glad their girlfriends don’t wear that stuff because they hate buttons. Also, if he notices your matching set of underpants instead of trying to get you OUT of them, it probably doesn’t really matter what you wear.
- Do: Bring His Mother Homemade Cookies – Oatmeal Raisin is Best
- Don’t: Bring His Mother Flowers or Wine
- The reasoning behind this is that homemade cookies show more thought and will make his mom stoked that you can bake, and bringing flowers requires your hostess to duck out and find a vase, which could be uncomfortable. If his mommy is going to be upset you can’t bake her golden boy cookies, or judge the fact that you brought flowers, listen closely and take this advice very, very seriously. Start running, as fast as you fucking can, in any possible direction. You will never win, give up now, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
What the fuck, Cosmo? How about “Be Yourself, Because That’s What He’s Going to Do, and If He Doesn’t Like It, He’s Wrong for You – Move the Fuck On!”
These make me sad, and mad. Sad because I actually think they’ll catch on, and mad because I’ll never be able to wear them.
When did we Chicagoans turn into a bunch of pansies when it comes to snow? It’s a disturbing trend that seems to worsen each year. Every single time it snows, the media plays it up so much that one would think the fucking end of the world was imminent. Up until a few years ago, the news broadcast would be something like, “Oh, and we’re probably going to get some snow tomorrow, so plan accordingly!” Now, each time the radar has a speck of white on it, they’re all, “OH MY GOD IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD SHUT THE STATE DOWN AND BEGIN STOCKING CANNED GOODS!! EMERGENCY!!!!” And like freaking sheep, we buy into it, nodding our heads, bemoaning the disaster to befall us the next day.
When did we forget that 90% of the time, the weather broadcasters are wrong? And barring that, when did we forget that we live in Chicago?? It’s the Midwest, everyone! We’re hearty people! Five inches of snow? Pssht. Shovel it out, throw a lawn chair in your parking spot, and head on into work. Unless there’s over a foot, the only thing that needs to be said is, “Eh, really coming down out there, huh?” This is why we keep shovels in our cars (well, obviously I don’t, but that’s because I’m woefully unprepared for pretty much any situation. Sometimes I forget to wear a coat,) bags of salt in our doorways, and have boots. Because we live in Chicago. And it fucking snows here. Occasionally, it snows a whole fucking lot. And we know this. Because it’s CHICAGO and that’s what happens in the winter.
That being said, here’s a couple things to help you keep in mind for the next “Snowpocalypse,” which will probably happen sometime around the second week in April.
Whilst Waiting for the Bus – Use Caution.
I was actually pretty happy it was snowing this morning. It was that big, pretty snow that just made the city look beautiful. And while it was coming down pretty hard by the time I left for work, it was relatively warm and I happily made my way to the bus stop, listening to Pandora and just generally enjoying my lovely, snow-covered city.
When I got to the corner where my stop is, I was the only one there and saw a bus coming from only about a block away. I learned quickly in my CTA adventures that if you are the only one at a bus stop, it’s necessary to make yourself visible as otherwise your transportation will go zooming past you without a second glance, leaving you standing on the sidewalk like a dolt with your bus card in your hand, all, “But, whaaa? Wait! You didn’t stop!” (This doesn’t make them come back for you, FYI.) So I was standing right up under the sign, trying to make eye contact with the yet-unseen driver, when a complete douchetard in a stupid car came flying down Chicago, going way too fast for conditions, I might add, spraying the giant pile of accumulated slush over my head in a manuever that probably should have been on YouTube. The first time this happened to me earlier this year, I laughed it off, saying I hope someone at least saw it so they had a good story. This time? Kind of wanted to throw baseball bats at his car. Added bonus? The aforementioned driver saw the whole thing and added insult to (wet) injury by remarking, “Pretty messy out here, huh?”
Pretty, Giant Snowflakes Can Cover Up Ugly, Giant Ice Patches.
If you live outside city limits, you probably don’t have to do a lot of walking in the snow. While this certainly presents its own challenges – namely, driving in stop and go traffic because everyone forgets how to operate an automobile the second cumulus clouds develop – having to travel on foot in snowy weather is a whole other bag of pain in the ass. Especially if one lives in a neighborhood where shoveling your sidewalk is not a priority. Which my neighborhood apparently is. Despite it being a relatively mild winter, what snow/ice that has accumulated has stayed right where it started and to put it bluntly, it’s slippery as all fuck outside. Which, if you have a short memory like yours truly, can pose a problem. As I stepped out, my enjoyment of the beautiful snow was quickly undercut as I stepped one foot into the alley and nearly snapped my leg in half trying to overcorrect after hitting a patch of ice the size of my dining room table. Use caution, folks. There’s evil underfoot in the form of solid ice posing as snow.
Don’t Log In to Facebook. I Promise. Just Don’t.
As I may have mentioned before, weather updates via Facebook make me kind of homicidal. Pictures of your backyard, kids/dog in the snow, a fabulous snowman? Bring it on. Love it. I get that. Got stuck for four and a half hours in traffic? Okay, I can understand that one. Posting statuses freaking out from 5PM the night before the impending doomstorm that may or may not actually happen? Stop it. Just stop it. Yes, it probably will take forever to get to work tomorrow. Yes, it probably will take forever to get HOME from work tomorrow. Yes, it probably will snow. Yes, it probably will be messy. Yes, drivers probably will be fucking morons. Yes, you probably will be one of them. STOP. IT.
Side note? I have to say this. Teachers? I do love you. You have a nearly impossible job, which is thankless, underpaid, underappreciated, and extraordinarily stressful. So please don’t misunderstand when I say if I see one more post about how you have a snow day BEFORE THERE IS ANY SNOW, I will kind of want to punch you. Also? To those few who didn’t get a snow day and took to social media whining and complaining about how you can’t believe your school is the one that didn’t give you a snow day and how dare they expect you to work – um, you’re pretty much part of the only profession that gets to not work due to weather. Every single other person in the Chicagoland area has to figure out how to get to work tomorrow - you can do it too! You’re a teacher! I have full confidence that you can navigate your way to school just like the rest of us have to navigate ourselves to work.
In a nutshell – stand back from the street, watch your step, and quit your bitching. Embrace the snow. Enjoy it. It’s a short few months before we’re all sticking to the seat of the car and sitting in front of box fans and complaining about our sunburns. And guess what? We’ll survive that too. Promise.
Haven’t done the Friday Blast Off: What I Said vs. What I Meant in awhile, mostly because the past few weeks it probably would have consisted of “What I Said – Nothing,” and “What I Meant – YOU DAMN JACKHOLE, GET IT TOGETHER!” But something caught my eye this week that made me actually roll my eyes out loud, if that’s possible. Going through Yahoo! news earlier in the week, I came across the headline, “Kanye West’s On-Stage rant: Rapper disses Taylor Swift, Jay-Z, Justin Timberlake in London.” And even thought I knew – I KNEW – it was going to make me want to punch my computer, I clicked on it.
Hey guess what? I was right. Here’s three people/things he said really smart stuff about. And by really smart stuff I mean – Oh, right, you are still a fucking idiot and please fall off my planet.
Poor little Taylor. She’s come under some fire lately, most notably because that whole teen-angst thing that has made her famous has kind of played itself out. If you wanted to date her before, you’re scared to now because you are for sure going to end up the chorus of a song detailing what a heartbreaking bastard you are. (She was too young for you anyway, John Mayer, you dirty bird.) That being said, the girl is still selling millions of albums and selling out arenas all over the world and continues to win awards; she’s clearly doing something right. Despite this, Kanye once again dissed her in comparison to Beyonce, seemingly apropos of nothing. What, exactly, has this girl done to him that makes him so publicly criticize her? I mean, if he was having a baby with Beyonce or married to her, I could at least get the reasoning behind it. But he’s not. In fact, he’s having a baby with the most talentless bag of hair I’ve ever seen. (Oh yes, still so much hate for the Kardashians.) And it’s not like Beyonce’s some big underdog that needs his championing. In fact, if I had to guess, she would probably rather not be associated with this idiot at all.
Dissing Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake’s New Song
Which brings me to my next point. I may not be in the music industry, and I while I do love me some rap I realize that knowing every single word to Eazy-E’s “Gimme Dat Nutt,” while impressive, does not make me extremely knowledgeable about the background of the genre. (Totally true story. I also do Eminem’s “Without Me,” at karaoke. Want to surprise a DJ? Be a blond white girl in your thirties and put your name in on that song.) Keeping that in mind, one thing I do know is that Jay-Z kind of helped make you, Mr. Art School. And as of this writing, I have yet to find anyone that dislikes Justin Timberlake. The man has somehow crossed that line where men want to be him and women want to – um – be with him. I predict there will be many a song released in the next year with the same vibe as “Suit and Tie.” These two are powerhouses, like them or not. They could come out with a song with duck calls and cats meowing and I promise you people will be fighting each other to find the next underappreciated animal noise. They’re just that good.
Mocking Artists Who Take Money for Endorsements.
Right, kind sir, you probably started that whole clothing line because you have a deep, abiding love for fashion and that’s your life dream. And the other products you’ve endorsed, you’ve probably just really believed in their message, right? Like Pepsi changed your life and you need to broadcast and help spread their words? Please. Do you think that previously mentioned bag of hair you impregnated with your demon spawn isn’t going to exploit the hell out of every single product that child touches/uses/wears? During his tirade, he sings, “”Remind me again why we in this s***? Since when was making art about getting rich?” You dick. You. Dick. You just dropped $11 MILLION on a house and are worth about $90 million. Please, tell me more about how you are only doing this for your art and you don’t care about the money.
I’m not denying Kanye’s talent, as he surely has it. He’s an excellent producer and songwriter – hey, he’s famous for a reason, at least, unlike his rotten pregnant girlfriend. But his true colors have been bleeding through for awhile, and what they’re showing is an extreme air of entitlement and an inflated sense of self worth that’s bordering on narcissistic personality disorder and we all need to STOP CARING.
Because if we don’t, in 15 years we’re all going to obsessively listening to someone called Kimye and honestly? I can’t live in that world. I just can’t.