To walk across the fire for you???? Ha! Now that I have that song in your head, you’re going to want to read on, right? I wasn’t even planning on going there but as soon as I typed the title, Melissa Etheridge was all up in my brain so I had to share. Aren’t you glad?
Anyway, it’s been a long week. Well, it’s been a long several weeks, as most of you living in Chicago understand. I’m not going to write about the weather because it makes me want to punch everything in the face and wish that wind would become a solid, physical thing for like forty seconds so I could kickbox it to death instead of it calling the shots and propelling me face-first over ice disguised as sidewalks and sonofabitch if you people would just shovel this wouldn’t happen….Ahem. Suffice it to say, it’s been a bad winter. When the best part of your day is NOT getting impaled by an icicle falling off of a building, the winter has already beaten you. Trust. So us Chicagoans have been pretty much of one mind the past couple of weeks, which consists mainly dreamily remembering those beautiful days last year that didn’t require fucking boots.
I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday demonstrating how we can save ducks’ lives by cutting the plastic rings from a six-pack so they don’t get caught in them and choke. A year or so ago, I wrote this post on that same topic, as I was surprised that other people didn’t do this all the time. It got me thinking about some other things that I do or think that I assume are perfectly normal, but other people consider to be a teensy bit crazy.
Am I The Only One?
- That Thinks We Need to Leave Bieber Alone? Yeah, I said it. Leave. Him. Alone. Is he a punk kid with little respect for authority? Absolutely. Does he deserve the wrath of an entire country actively awful upon him? No. One, making jokes about how hilarious it would be for him to get raped in prison? Doesn’t make us look very smart. Ditto for starting a petition to get him deported that received so many signatures the government actually had to act on it. Folks, if we deported or imprisoned every nineteen-year old that made a couple of really stupid, arrogant decisions, it would be the end of the population as we know it. Do you not remember being 19? Hell, I was an asshole at 19, and I was a rule-abiding kid from the suburbs with only $45 a week to work with. If I’d had access to millions of dollars with no supervision, the least of my problems would have been smoking pot and drag racing, I promise you that. Is he a shit? Yes. Did he make some mistakes? Absolutely. In one way or another, he’ll pay for them. I hope it’s in the form of realizing he’s a shit and straightening up. Hoping for him to fall into the revolving door of drugs and rehab like so many celebrity teenagers before him, hoping for him to fail, is just mean-spirited.
- That is Completely Terrified about The Missing Plane? Is it just me, or is this some Langoliers shit come to reality? Two hundred people and thousands of tons of metal just gone into thin air? How have we just gone on about our business, like, “Oh, well, can’t find it, that’s weird.” I just picture them all in some abandoned airport in an alternate universe all, “What the fuck? Why are we not the top story on the news? What is WRONG with these people?”
- With the Musical Taste of a Preteen in the 90′s? I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve found there is a direct correlation between how long I can run and how much 90′s angsty pop music is on my playlist. Ludacris and Eminem have taken some top spots in the rotation to keep me going, but the number one song that pumps me up and propels me to keep going? Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend.” Why? I don’t know. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had any reason to hate someone’s girlfriend, and if you really listen to it – which I have, often – it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Yet here we are, and every time it comes on, I go faster than I did the day before. If the folks in the park had any idea what was blasting in my headphones, they’d actually be LESS scared of me than they already are, which is a tough spot to find.
- That Has Notebook Paper Decorating the Fridge with Magnets, Despite Being Childless? Currently, my refrigerator boasts a notepad, three coupons for Family Dollar, a picture from 1980, a pen-draw picture of an eyeball, my sister’s baby shower invitation held up by a Bert and Ernie magnet, and a note scribbled in Magic Marker that says nothing but, “SOUL TRAIN IS ON.” The notepad? Not for grocery lists, or things we’re out of. (Which is likely we make frequent trips to above-mentioned Family Dollar at 9PM for things like toilet paper and cat food.) No, it has sports predictions for the upcoming week. The eyeball was drawn by a friend late one Saturday night and we deemed it a work of art. The Soul Train note? My husband was on the phone one Sunday morning and he would not appropriately respond to my frantic gestures to run into the living room for this grand moment in television programming.
Everyone has their little pockets of weird, right? Right????
Ever have one of those days where, right in the middle of something, your brain is all, “What in the fuck is WRONG with you? How do you even manage to remember to put on pants?” This can’t just be me, right? Other people have to have those moments where they think, “Hmm. I’m not sure what choices led me to this exact moment, but I definitely regret them at this particular juncture in my life.” I’m going to assume that this is true for everyone. However, it occurred to me when this thought jumped into my subconscious several times in the same evening that perhaps I need more adult supervision.
A Night in the Life of the Eternally Perplexed.
- First thought upon entering the house (and turning all of the lights on,) is “Dammit! I forgot cat food again.”
- Spend a few too many minutes wondering if cats can survive 12 more hours without food. Strongly consider filling the dish with treats and seeing what happens.
- Flash forward to trying to clean up cat vomit with toilet paper because I also forgot paper towels and head back to the store-that-shall-not-be-named.
- Ponder the effectiveness of “Stop Only if Pedestrians are Present,” signs in the middle of Chicago Ave.
- Decide with certainty signs are NOT effective after nearly being knocked airborne by a bitch on a scooter whilst crossing said street.
- Check weather report – you will not fool me tomorrow, Mother Nature!
- Seriously, who fucking loses a pair of winter boots? Especially someone who only owns one pair?
- Oh, remember when you didn’t feel like changing your shoes at work the last time it snowed and nearly lost your toes to frostbite? Check under your desk, smartypants.
- You will not fool me Mother Nature, but apparently you will win. Again.
- Hmm, what’s for dinner?
- Well, not whatever was in THAT container. Let’s just put that right back where we found it, shall we?
- Hey, leftover garlic shrimp and pasta! Surely my husband hasn’t been looking forward to this all night!
- Hmm. Not quite enough for the pastatravaganza I was hoping for. I know, I’ll add some more noodles and saute some garlic and onions to add!
- Let’s just move this plastic plate to this OTHER burner, out of the way.
- Singing along, “He was a Skater Boy, said see you later boy!”
- I miss Avril LaVigne.
- Wow, this onion’s taking a long time. Hope the garlic’s not burning.
- FIRE!! PLATE ON FIRE!!!
- Do we have a fire extinguisher?
- OF COURSE YOU DON’T YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A FLASHLIGHT!
- What’s that type of fire you can’t throw water on??!!! Is it a stove fire?
- I have flour! Should I throw flour on it?
- GREASE FIRE, DUMMY. THROW WATER ON IT.
- Hmm. That sort of worked.
- MOVE THE TOWEL.
- More water. It’s working!
- Holy shit, plastic burns quick.
- GET. A. BIGGER. RECEPTACLE.
- “The fire’s out, kitties! It’s safe now!”
- I loved that plate.
- Pretty sure those noodles are ruined. Let me just throw them in the leftovers anyway.
- Well, now everything you were going to eat is ruined. Dipshit.
After cleaning up all of the water I had tossed around the kitchen in my manic firefighting attempt, I had a beer and went to bed. Sometimes, you just have to give up and start over tomorrow.
I’m guessing it’s safe to say that tomorrow isn’t holding a lot of promise of normalcy, either, but I’m sure going to keep trying.