I know you’re busy this time of year. I know you’re probably inundated with adorable letters from adorable children; children who have probably spent their year trying to be good instead of calling people doucheboxes on the internet and secretly harboring fantasies of tripping people on the bus that were mean to them like I have. So I’m not going to ask for anything too crazy or expensive, because I just might not deserve it. But I’ve put together a list that I think will benefit everyone should you choose to grant any of my Christmas wishes.
1. No more twerking.
2. A do-over button on Candy Crush for when you notice the move you should have made right after swiping out something useless.
3. A worldwide, yearlong ban on Kanye West’s name being mentioned in the media. If any media outlet slips up and runs a story on him or even says his name, they face a punishment of spending an entire day with him and Kim telling each other how amazing, special, and talented they are. No breaks, even for vomiting.
4. The Blacklist should be a weekly show all year long – none of this “Season Finale” nonsense until we find Red.
5. A pop-up box on Facebook anytime a user tries to share a story that says, “Are you sure? Have you checked Snopes?”
6. Speaking of Facebook, AnE1 WhO PoSTs a STaTus ThAt LoOks lieK DIs has to go back to third grade for two days.
7. Ditto to anyone who says “supposably,” “irregardless,” or “Valentimes day.”
8. Every year at this time, we retire one awful Christmas song in the rotation and replace it with a new, good one. This year I vote we switch “Wonderful Christmastime,” with “Underneath the Tree.” Sorry, Sir Paul, but Kelly Clarkson rocks that shit and your song? SUCKS. So hard.
9. My neighbor to please drop his new habit of whistling like a mass murderer as he’s walking up the stairs in the middle of the night so as to ease my night terrors.
10. Please let Jay Cutler not throw any interceptions in the endzone this Sunday; I simply cannot handle any more controversy. (I know this will happen before Christmas, but trust me as I believe in you, if you lived in Chicago, you would feel my pain.)
11. Every news story about a celebrity or athlete being arrested or just generally being a moron is to be counteracted by a story of an athlete or celebrity doing something good. There are more like Andre Johnson than there are like Lindsay Lohan.
12. Anyone cataloguing the triumphant exploits of their Elf on a Shelf must also show the aftermath, whether that be the cleanup or the careful explanation of why Elfie was in the car with Barbie to begin with.
13. On a personal note, I would like a nonstick pan. And by nonstick pan, I mean nonstick even when it comes to eggs, or at least an honest advertisement which states, “Nonstick unless you are cooking eggs, in which case you’re going to be really mad trying to clean this.”
Pretty please Santa? If you can’t accommodate them all, maybe just a few? Or if you only pick one, can it please be the Kanye ban?
Haven’t done the Friday Blast Off: What I Said vs. What I Meant in awhile, mostly because the past few weeks it probably would have consisted of “What I Said – Nothing,” and “What I Meant – YOU DAMN JACKHOLE, GET IT TOGETHER!” But something caught my eye this week that made me actually roll my eyes out loud, if that’s possible. Going through Yahoo! news earlier in the week, I came across the headline, “Kanye West’s On-Stage rant: Rapper disses Taylor Swift, Jay-Z, Justin Timberlake in London.” And even thought I knew – I KNEW – it was going to make me want to punch my computer, I clicked on it.
Hey guess what? I was right. Here’s three people/things he said really smart stuff about. And by really smart stuff I mean – Oh, right, you are still a fucking idiot and please fall off my planet.
Poor little Taylor. She’s come under some fire lately, most notably because that whole teen-angst thing that has made her famous has kind of played itself out. If you wanted to date her before, you’re scared to now because you are for sure going to end up the chorus of a song detailing what a heartbreaking bastard you are. (She was too young for you anyway, John Mayer, you dirty bird.) That being said, the girl is still selling millions of albums and selling out arenas all over the world and continues to win awards; she’s clearly doing something right. Despite this, Kanye once again dissed her in comparison to Beyonce, seemingly apropos of nothing. What, exactly, has this girl done to him that makes him so publicly criticize her? I mean, if he was having a baby with Beyonce or married to her, I could at least get the reasoning behind it. But he’s not. In fact, he’s having a baby with the most talentless bag of hair I’ve ever seen. (Oh yes, still so much hate for the Kardashians.) And it’s not like Beyonce’s some big underdog that needs his championing. In fact, if I had to guess, she would probably rather not be associated with this idiot at all.
Dissing Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake’s New Song
Which brings me to my next point. I may not be in the music industry, and I while I do love me some rap I realize that knowing every single word to Eazy-E’s “Gimme Dat Nutt,” while impressive, does not make me extremely knowledgeable about the background of the genre. (Totally true story. I also do Eminem’s “Without Me,” at karaoke. Want to surprise a DJ? Be a blond white girl in your thirties and put your name in on that song.) Keeping that in mind, one thing I do know is that Jay-Z kind of helped make you, Mr. Art School. And as of this writing, I have yet to find anyone that dislikes Justin Timberlake. The man has somehow crossed that line where men want to be him and women want to – um – be with him. I predict there will be many a song released in the next year with the same vibe as “Suit and Tie.” These two are powerhouses, like them or not. They could come out with a song with duck calls and cats meowing and I promise you people will be fighting each other to find the next underappreciated animal noise. They’re just that good.
Mocking Artists Who Take Money for Endorsements.
Right, kind sir, you probably started that whole clothing line because you have a deep, abiding love for fashion and that’s your life dream. And the other products you’ve endorsed, you’ve probably just really believed in their message, right? Like Pepsi changed your life and you need to broadcast and help spread their words? Please. Do you think that previously mentioned bag of hair you impregnated with your demon spawn isn’t going to exploit the hell out of every single product that child touches/uses/wears? During his tirade, he sings, “”Remind me again why we in this s***? Since when was making art about getting rich?” You dick. You. Dick. You just dropped $11 MILLION on a house and are worth about $90 million. Please, tell me more about how you are only doing this for your art and you don’t care about the money.
I’m not denying Kanye’s talent, as he surely has it. He’s an excellent producer and songwriter – hey, he’s famous for a reason, at least, unlike his rotten pregnant girlfriend. But his true colors have been bleeding through for awhile, and what they’re showing is an extreme air of entitlement and an inflated sense of self worth that’s bordering on narcissistic personality disorder and we all need to STOP CARING.
Because if we don’t, in 15 years we’re all going to obsessively listening to someone called Kimye and honestly? I can’t live in that world. I just can’t.
Here we are in a new year, folks! Happy 2013! It’s the time of year everyone’s going to lose weight, stop smoking, get control of the clutter in our lives, and stop watching so much damn TV. Right? Bullshit. Ask me in November 2013 what’s changed since January and I guarantee most responses will be something along the lines of, “Yeah, what the fuck ever. I was probably drunk when I said that.” I’m all for resolutions and wanting to better your life, but as I’ve stated before, every time I make them I end up in a pile of Weight Watchers cookbooks somewhere around January 15th, smoking a cigarette, looking for my shoes while partially mesmerized by an NCIS marathon and eating mashed potatoes.
Just me? Okay. I can buy that – perhaps some of you actually stick to what you say you’re going to do. That being said, it’s four days in and I am already irritated by the anticipated celebrity news that’s going to to fucking polarize everyone in the upcoming year. Here’s a few people that I promise you are going to be sick of by May.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and their vile offspring.
Yeah, cause you’re super excited to hear about this for the next couple of months, aren’t you? Two of the most irritating, talentless, money-hungry assholes in Hollywood are going to HAVE A BABY??? Well thank Christ cause you know what we need? More kids that think the world is theirs for the taking despite a lack of any discernable skill. That’s pretty much what America’s been missing. And as a service to you, you don’t need to look at a tabloid for the next six months – here’s the headlines.
“Kim’s Baby Bump!”
“Kanye to Kim – You’re Too Fat!”
“Kim to Kanye – Leave Me and My Baby Alone!”
“Kim and Kanye Cheating Scandal! Kim tells Kanye, ‘You’re Not the Father!’”
“Bruce Jenner, ‘Oh For the Love of Fuck. Someone Kill Me.’”
“Kanye and Kim’s $3Million Nursery!”
You know how this ends? #kimye #yourparentssuck #sorryyouhavenochanceofnotbeinganasshole
(And yeah. It really hurt to say kimye. But you know it’s happening. You do. Give it a minute.)
Rihanna and Chris Brown
So they’re back together, and super happy about it. Am I the only one who doesn’t care? I don’t know what happened back in 2009. What I do know is that these are two grown adults, both of whom have access to the best resources available for anger management and domestic abuse issues. If EITHER of them choose not to take advantage, I. Don’t. Care. Does anyone else not want to hear about this shit for another year? The only reason these two are stlll relevant is because he beat the crap out of her before an awards show. I don’t care to follow the rest of this dysfunctional relationship through another year of Grammy’s and VMA’s. Now we’re going to celebrate their “music achievements?” Fuck you. If he was average Joe he’d be in jail (I hope,) and if she were Average Jane she’d be in a shelter. Fuck you both for glorifying it. I don’t want to hear about your damn romance for the next year. Cause I. Don’t. Care. Have I mentioned that?
Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj
Hi. Perhaps no one mentioned to you two that American Idol has been obsolete since 2008. And possibly before then. Ladies? Paula Abdul quit. Paula. Fucking. Abdul. That didn’t give you the clue this show was jumping the fucking shark? Ryan Seacrest has replaced Dick fucking Clark and the only reason I can possibly fathom he’s still around is due to a contract signed way before he knew his white teeth, small stature, and radio voice would make him millions. I’m not disparaging either Mariah’s or Nicki’s talent – they both have it in spades, albeit in different formats. That being said, Ryan. Seacrest. Is probably making more on this show than you. You don’t get to have a diva fight. Because Ryan. Fucking. Seacrest. is more popular than you two. Stop judging. He’s the bigger diva. Yeah, I know it’s sad. But I’m not in charge of everything, despite my repeated requests. Life’s a bitch, girls.
In short, to say that I’m not excited about the celebrity news that’s forthcoming in 2013 might be an understatement. But unless Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift make a love child, this is what we’re dealing with.
And if I ever have to write “Justtay” or “Biebswift” I’m punching everyone in the ears; I don’t care whose fault it is.
Happy New Year!