Safety and the Skymall or What the Fuck is Wrong with Us??
After my exhausting job search this morning, I was outside having a smoke when a mother and her small child came down the sidewalk. The child (impossible to tell if it’s a girl or boy) is riding a tricycle, so I’m guessing he/she is around 2 to 3 years of age. He/she is also wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards. Now, I’m all for children being safe and all, but as a person whose mother, upon losing the stakes to secure our Slip N Slide to the ground, solved the problem by placing BRICKS at the end, blissfully unconcerned that her spaztastic eight year old would be flailing uncontrollably down it face first and soaking wet, I feel this is over the top. First of all, the child is less than 27 inches from the ground. Second of all, he/she is going about as fast as a snail. Third, you are RIGHT THERE. And last but not least, if you’re so concerned about your child’s well being? Maybe don’t take him bike riding when it’s 32 degrees out.
Anyhow, this got me thinking about how today’s parents are so much more diligent than our parents were, both due to technology, *some* common sense i.e. Lawn Darts being a poor idea, and turning to turn our kids into pansies. So I decided to look up some pictures of safety features for kids, leading me to the best website EVER, Skymall.com.
The following are some of the products featured in this fine, fine magazine:
The Animated Yodeling Goat! Who could live without one of these? Oh, that’s right. Everyone.
The Attic Tent. Is it just me or does it look like this woman is entering very large living space from the floor? “Honey, I’m coming up to Giant World now!” “Get back in the fucking tent, Loretta!”
The Meerkat Gang Lawn Sculpture. Sure, just what I want is four foot tall rats protecting my flower beds and creepily staring at me through the windows.
The Cabinet Mount Trash System. Excuse me, but putting garbage bags into a nifty little container below your garbage can does not make it a “system.” It makes it very slightly more convenient. Also, aren’t those garbage bags awfully small? Like, you have to change them twice a day small? So $29.99 for “system” $5.00 for refill bags of 20, taking garbage out twice a day = It’s costing you around $40.00 a month to take out your garbage. Genius!
Child Safety Set. So, when I switched host sites, I lost the pictures I originally had. Use your imagination. It was a picture of a leash with cushions that go across the chest of a toddler. The picture itself wasn’t that funny, but the fact that it was touted to “help your three or four year old explore the great outdoors” is. Because what better way to explore the great outdoors than with pillows strapped to your front while Mommy holds you on a leash?
Inversion Stretch System. They’re big on the systems at that Mall in the Sky, aren’t they? “Hey, Honey, what are you doing?” “My inversion back therapy, Steve! My back feels great!” “Um, your face is turning kind of purple.” “What?” “Your face, it’s kind of purple. Is the blood rushing to your head?” “Maybe … um … don’t feel so gre …….” “HONEY??? Are you okay?”
Frantically dialing 9-1-1 “I don’t know, she was hanging strapped upside down to this machine in our living room and doesn’t seem to be breathing.” “Well, sir, I’m not really sure what you expected. We’ll send someone right over for your dumbass wife. Please tell her to stop hanging herself upside down on purpose.”
Big Foot Lawn Statue.
Perhaps it’s to scare the meerkats out of the yard of the assholes next door?
NECKpro Traction Device.
Also a 9-1-1 call waiting to happen. “Honey, I’m doing my neck therapy thingy so make sure the kids don’t open the basement door!”
Twenty minutes after kids have opened door –
“DADDY!!! AGH! WHY’S DADDY HANGING IN THE BASEMENT???”
The Relax N Nap Pillow.
Unless your idea of relaxing is lying on a sterile bed in your chiropracter’s office dressed in a towel, I have to strongly disagree with this title of this one. She looks like she just took a faceplant and can’t get up.
And finally ….
Sock Monkey Hat and Mittens.
Can’t you just hear this morning routine? “Okay, everyone, get out our Sock Monkey hats and mittens!!”
Mumbling from down the hall….
“Trevor, did you just tell me to fuck off?”