Huh.  Perhaps Santa/Jesus saw me updating my site and decided I needed some material?  For those of you curious – this is how the bomb squad ended up at my house.

6:00PM:  I hear some banging while happily typing away and listening to all of my new Christmas music.  Cursory look around the house provides no immediate red flags.

6:05PM: Tony, banging through the front door, “Any idea why the fucking fence is on fire?”

Apparently he came home and upon ascending the stairs, noticed the peculiar smell of fire.  The sound of banging I heard was my husband desperately trying to put out flames with a garden hose.  After some inspection, we determined the chain with the lock had been cut, the fence (which is really a gate, and flush with the house,) had been doused in what I thought was gasoline, and set aflame.

6:15PM Called 311, (Chicago’s non-emergency number,) “Okay, so, you’re saying it was arson?”  Me, very intelligently, “Um, okay?” “We’re transferring you to 911.”  Me, “Um, okay?”

6:17PM 911 operator, “Okay, did you call the fire department?”  Me, “No, cause there was no immediate danger…”  “Ma’am, this requires the fire department.  I’m transferring you.”  I’m sorry – isn’t that what 311 is for?  When you don’t know who else the fuck to call?

(In fairness, they responded very quickly.  The fire department showed up within two minutes, sirens and lights blaring.  The fact that they ran with their hoses to the house across the street is neither here nor there.)

6:21PM “Yeah, that’s lighter fluid all over the fence.  But the fire’s out.  Call the police and file a report.  Probably some asshole kids.”

6:27PM Tony’s on the phone with his mom.  Me, “Hey, the cops are here!  Go talk!”

6:32PM Officer Friendly gives us a copy of the police report and tells us to be careful.

6:33PM-Present Am sitting on back porch awaiting the return of arsonist thugs.  What I will do other than shriek and run inside if they return, I don’t know.  But I’m ready!

I’m pretty sure we haven’t alienated anyone to the point of them wanting us on fire, so I’m conflicted.  On one hand, it probably WAS some jerk kids trying to cut through from the alley.  On the other, (paranoid maniac) hand, I’m convinced someone has it in for us and wants us dead.

So I’ll be sleeping well.