Happy Friday everyone!  Here’s the second weekly installment of “What I Said vs. What I Meant,” designed for those of us not quite quick enough on the uptake to make a witty comeback, instead ending up muttering “Oh yeah?  Well let me tell you what I really meant, you jackwagon waste of space,” at unsuspecting strangers.  Vent your frustrations here and show me how creative your insults can be!

To the Sadistic Bastard also known as My Bus Driver Wednesday Night:

• What I Said.            “Thank you!  Have a great night!”
• What I Meant.        “What the hell, man?  Were you beat as a kid or something?  This isn’t Grand Theft Auto, it’s a bus with REAL PEOPLE ON IT and most of us don’t have the balance of a tightrope walker, you fucking psychopath.”

To the Giant, Scary Lady Who Nearly Knocked Me Unconscious While Running for the Bus:

• What I Said.            ****Stunned, Silent, Gasping for Breath and Reeling for Balance****
• What I Meant.        “Christ, woman!  Next time you’re going to run like a linebacker at Jay Cutler, please keep an eye out for clueless blondes who may be stepping around the corner, bopping to their iPod, blissfully unaware of the day-ending tackle that awaits.”

To Ramon, circa 6AM, Who Woke Me Up By Ralphing All Over My Blanket:

• What I Said.             “God you suck!!!  Don’t you ever do anything that doesn’t suck?  STOP WALKING AROUND THE BED LIKE A BARF TRAIN!!!!”
• What I Meant.         Yeah, that’s pretty much what I meant to say.

To the Idiot that Tried to Scan His Onions at Dominicks:

• What I Said.            With a big smile, “Sir?  I’m pretty sure you need to put those on the scale and key in what they are.  Let me show you.”
• What I Meant.         “Hey, Special Ed!  Really?  You think your vegetables have a bar code on them?  Let’s try and dig down in that tiny reservoir of common sense you have and use it, why don’t we?  Because if you try that with the oranges I’m going to beat you with them until you’re a pool of crying citrus.”

So??  How was your week?