When I sat down to write this, my original plan was to write about songs with grievous grammatical errors.  However, less than three minutes into my research I was ready to kick puppies in frustration.  (FYI – Beyonce?  “Conversate” is not a word. SMASH.)  So, for the sake of my sanity, I abandoned that project.

While browsing the internet, I was listening to oldies on Pandora, and a song that has long disturbed me began playing, prompting me to revisit some other songs that with some lyrics that have always caused me to stop and think, “Wait a minute….that’s actually all sorts of wrong.”  Here’s my top five – feel free to play along at home.

The Temptations/Supremes – “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.”

• “And every night, every day, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna get you…….I’m gonna make you love me.”

Remember that little cartoon girl who squeezed that innocent cat nearly to death while chanting, “I’m gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever?”  That’s what this reminds me of.

The Police – “Every Breath You Take.”

• “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.”

Oh, so sweet!  He wants to always be with me!  No, miss, he does not.  He has a telescope trained on your apartment and is planning to wear your skin as a coat after he’s done stalking you.

Edwin McCain – “I’ll Be.”

• “I’ll hang from your lips.”

Whaaaaa?  Ew, right?  I always loved this song until I figured out this is actually the correct lyric, and now every time I hear it I can’t help but picture some dude flailing on a fish hook hanging from his girlfriend’s mouth.

Alanis Morissette – “Ironic.”

• I can’t list them all. Here’s the lyrics.

You know what’s ironic to me, Alanis?  The fact that someone wrote a song titled “Ironic,” despite not having a clear grasp of the definition of the word.  This song should be called, “Aren’t You Fucking Unlucky.”  Don’t you think?

Neil Diamond – “Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon.”

• “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, Soon, You’ll Need a Man.”

Excuse me, Uncle Chester?  Can you get the fuck out of my room, freak?  When I do come of age, you can bet your ass I’m running as far as I can from you.  Also, it must be mentioned that the B side of this album was called, “You’ll Forget.”  Awesome, you’re handing out roofies too?  Get away from me, you dirty creepster.

There has to be hundreds more – what are the songs that freak you out?