Well, the holidays have been over long enough that I feel comfortable dispensing with that holiday cheer goodness and going back to actively hoping folks twist an ankle when they’re being jerks.  Here’s to the first 2013 installment of Friday Blast Off!!  Who pissed you off this week?

The Pain in the Arse Secretary Who Tried to Throw Me Under the Bus for Her Error:

What I Said:          “I understand and I’m sorry for the miscommunication.  But we do not have anything for your firm on our calendar today.  I’m happy to send someone right over.”

What I Meant:      “You know damn well this was your mistake, you dizzy cow.  Do your job, I’ll do mine, and we’ll all live happily ever after.  Everybody makes mistakes; it’s okay.  Didn’t you read that book?  Oh, wait, that’s ‘Everybody Poops.’  I bet yours doesn’t stink, am I right?”

My Downstairs Neighbor Who Insists Upon Galloping Up and Down the Stairs and Slamming Doors When I’m Home Alone:

What I Said:          ****Mute with terror.  The murderer has finally come and my last moments are going to spent with these stupid cats.****

What I Meant:      “Hey!  Jackhole with the heavy feet!  KNOCK. IT. OFF.  I’ve seen you – there is no way you’re in a hurry to go anywhere, nor are you rushing home to a loved one.  Please respect your neighbors by not stomping around like a fucking rhinocerous on crack.  Some of us have relatively severe low-grade anxiety and you are not helping to dissuade their fears.  While I’m at it – stop taking your dogs out at 5AM and standing right below my bedroom window while you yell for them at top volume.”

Overly Zealous and Angry Gentleman Demanding Spare Change Who Called Me a Bitch:

What I Said:          “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to spare.”

What I Meant:      “Listen, fuck, you’re wearing a fur coat.  You have on a gold watch, a hat I know costs at least 30 bucks, and brand-new gym shoes.  My coat doesn’t zip and I’m buying a single serve Kraft Mac and Cheese with the three dollars I have on me.  I don’t even have a fucking watch.  Or a hat, for that matter.  Give me that.”

Person in “Wheelchair” Who Totally Pretended Not to Notice The 40 Person Line Behind Her and Then Yelled at the Cashier to Come Scan Her Purchases:

What I Said:          “That’s fine, please, go ahead.”

What I Meant:      “Hey!  HEY!!!  What the fuck??  No.  No, you cannot go ahead of everyone.  That’s a store-issue wheelchair and I saw you literally VAULT out of it to grab the last DiGiornio pizza from an unsuspecting hipster.  So I know for a fact that you could lean over enough at the self-checkout to scan your pizza and 40 oz. of beer.  You, ma’am, are an asshole and your only disability is laziness.  You are disrespecting your fellow shoppers, baby Jesus, and people with actual disabilities.  Stop it and wheel your ass to the back of the line.”

Happy Friday Everyone!  Feel free to post your comebacks to the folks who made you want to punch something this week…..