“How To Be a Good Girlfriend,” According to Cosmo or “Put Down the Cosmo RIGHT NOW,” According to Me
The other day, I came across this little gem in a blog that I follow. I’ve seen it before and it never fails to make me laugh – I mean seriously? “His topics of conversation are more important than yours?” Piss OFF – and as I looked through it, it got me thinking about what today’s guide might say. I was curious. I mean, this guide is clearly no longer relevant – really, “Offer to take off his shoes?” Piss OFF – but what would the modern woman’s guide to dating say? With all of the Facebook and Twitter and texting and Instagram and Tumblr and the fabulous ability to completely stalk someone without their knowledge, it has to be considerably different than the last time I was on the market, way back when we were still figuring out codes for pagers.
So I did some Google searching and came up with this article from Cosmopolitan, and if possible, I’m a little more horrified at this “Do’s and Don’ts” guide than the 1955 version. Who are these girlfriends and the guys that want them? Here’s a few of their “guidelines” to being a good girlfriend. Take a look and then please help me understand how we are supposed to be raising a strong, intelligent, independent generation of women. Because if they’re following all of this advice, we’re failing.
- Do: Watch the Game with His Friends
- Don’t: Cheer Really Loudly, Chug Beer, or Tell Off-Color Jokes
- Apparently, watching the game with his friends says “You’re easygoing and cool,” but enjoying the game as much as him says, “You’re crass and un-ladylike.” Well of course I’m being crass and unladylike. THERE’S FOOTBALL ON. It’s a very un-ladylike game. What do you want me to say when Cutler throws one directly into double coverage in the red zone? “Oh, fudge, sweetie. Let me refill the snacks?” PISS OFF.
- Do: Buy Him Tickets as a Gift
- Don’t: Buy Him a Sweater
- Let me guess – the tickets are for something that her delicate sensibilities can’t handle, like a loud band or baseball game that he can go to with a friend? No way, Jose. Plus – if he needs a sweater, he needs a fucking sweater. And if it “reminds him of his mother,” because she’s the one that buys him clothes? Probably best to take a step back and but quick anyhow – dude’s got mommy issues, honey. Promise.
- Do: Leave a Pretty, Delicate Piece of Jewelry at His Place
- Don’t: Leave a Toothbrush
- Apparently the idea behind this is to make sure your man is reminded of you, but nothing too forward and crazy that might scare his dull mind into thinking you’re serious about your relationship. You know what? You can’t brush your fucking teeth with a necklace, and you can’t replace a pretty necklace with a toothbrush. Also, if you are creating an environment where I don’t feel comfortable leaving a toothbrush at your place, guess what? I’m using yours, asshole.
- Do: In Public, Give Him a Quick Kiss
- Don’t: In Public, Be All Over Him
- Unless, of course, you’re super hot. Then do whatever you want.
- Do: Wear a Matching, Lacy Bra-and-Panty Set
- Don’t: Wear Complicated Teddies and Bustiers
- Clearly, because men hate porn and often contemplate how they’re glad their girlfriends don’t wear that stuff because they hate buttons. Also, if he notices your matching set of underpants instead of trying to get you OUT of them, it probably doesn’t really matter what you wear.
- Do: Bring His Mother Homemade Cookies – Oatmeal Raisin is Best
- Don’t: Bring His Mother Flowers or Wine
- The reasoning behind this is that homemade cookies show more thought and will make his mom stoked that you can bake, and bringing flowers requires your hostess to duck out and find a vase, which could be uncomfortable. If his mommy is going to be upset you can’t bake her golden boy cookies, or judge the fact that you brought flowers, listen closely and take this advice very, very seriously. Start running, as fast as you fucking can, in any possible direction. You will never win, give up now, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
What the fuck, Cosmo? How about “Be Yourself, Because That’s What He’s Going to Do, and If He Doesn’t Like It, He’s Wrong for You – Move the Fuck On!”