Dirty Little Secrets

Last week, my lovely fellow blogger Sasha Cameron was kind enough to give me a a nomination for a Very Inspiring Blogger award.  Which, if I’m being honest, made me super happy because 1) I haven’t won an award since Kirk Cameron was still popular for being cool and not a self-righteous douchecanoe, and 2) I’ve never met Sasha.  It’s all sorts of cool to me that people I don’t even know read some of my stories.  (I get a ton of readers from New Zealand.  I cannot even fathom how they came to find me, but if any of you New Zealand folks would like to enlighten me, it’d be greatly appreciated.)

Anyhow, the rules of the contest are extremely simple – link back to the person that nominated, then link to some of your own favorite bloggers and ask them to state seven things about themselves that people don’t know.  I’m going to do it a little differently – not because I’m oh-so-unconventional but because I’m kind of lazy and can be sort of a dick sometimes.  Remember those MySpace questionnaires before Facebook took over the whole universe?  I loved reading those.  I love getting a little surpise glimpse into someone’s life, so I’m going to take it back 2003 style and ask you to return the favor that Sasha so greatly bestowed upon me.  Tell me about yourself!

I’ll start.

1)  I am addicted to stupid socks with designs on them.

Never mind that they look patently ridiculous with everything I own.  I. cannot. stop.  Flourescent green and pink stripes?  Hell yes.  Polka dots?  The more the better.  Socks with cats on them?  Oh yes.  Santa Clauses, Leprechauns, Easter Bunnies, Valentine’s Day hearts?  Bring it ON.

2.)  I hate silverware.

Not using it, mind you.  I’m not some sort of heathen that can’t properly use a fork.  Granted, sit me down at one of those fancy dinners which requires several forks and I’m likely to embarass you, but that’s more because I’m out of practice than lack of knowledge.  What I hate?  Is washing silverware.  I don’t have a dishwasher, and while people I know recoil in horror when I tell them this, as though I’ve told them that I prefer to wash the dishes in my bathtub while I’m in it, it doesn’t bother me all that much.  I haven’t had one since I moved out of my parents’ house, so I guess I’m used to it.  But once I’m done with all of the pots and pans and plates and cups, believe you me, if you are anywhere in my vicinity I will do everything in my power to try and trick you into finishing the silverware.  Some people have mentioned that perhaps I should just start with the cutlery, but that’s just plain wrong.

3.)  I don’t like gum.

It took me about 30 years to figure it out, but I do not enjoy gum.  It serves no purpose to me; why in the world would anyone want to be actively chewing all the time?  I do everything I can to NOT chew in front of people – likely a holdover from my junior high days when it was kindly pointed out that I chewed like a horse due to my giant overbite – there is no way I want to do it constantly.  However, I have some trouble turning down gum, for some reason.  People are surprised when you don’t want a piece of gum.  I always feel like I have to explain myself, which makes me super endearing to the unsuspecting person that was simply being polite by offering a stick.

4.)  What most people find cheesy, I find absolutely fucking adorable.

It’s not really any secret that I’m kind of a sap.  I like my books romantic, my movies to have a happy ending, my music to make me smile despite rendering everyone around me gobsmacked with horror that they’re listening to Justin Bieber, and my TV shows funny.  A special aside to this?  Commercials.  You know the Folgers commercial with the little girl and the soldier that everyone else is creeped out by and tired of?  Still love it.  Completely unrealistic Budweiser Clydesdale commercial where the beautiful,gorgeous horsey remembers the owner that raised him?  Forget it.  I will shush you throughout it so I can enjoy the special moment.

5.)  There’s four songs that will make me cry, every single time.

Baby Girl by Sugarland, The Star Spangled Banner – this one can quickly turn into the ugly cry if I happen to be at a sporting event where it’s being sung or if there are military personnel and/or children involved, American Pie by Don McClean, and Pomp and Circumstance.  There’s not a whole lot I can say here that can make me NOT sound like a raving lunatic, so I’m just going to leave it.

6.)  I remember names, faces, and birthdays like some sort of savant.

Seriously.  I can tell you my first Jr. High boyfriend’s birthday and parents’ phone number.  Sat behind me in science class sophomore year?  I remember you.  Did we work together for two weeks at Subway in college?  I can find you on Facebook.  It’s to the point that for the most part I don’t mention it when I recognize someone for fear that said person will think I’ve been building a shrine to them in my basement for the past 12 years, because who in the fuck remembers the birthday of someone they knew fleetingly in college??  (Also, this eidetic type memory is of absolutely no fucking benefit to me in everyday life; I routinely forget such things as the fact that I’m out of shampoo, where my shoes are, and the fact that I cannot drink gin without turning into a SNL caricature of myself.)

7.)  I cannot listen to two things at once.

The fastest, easiest way to make me crazy is to turn on the radio juuuuuuuust loud enough that I can hear it while I’m watching television.  Something about having two things to listen to at once makes me completely lose my shit.  It’s like something short circuits in my brain; I get overstimulated and the only thing I can do is rock back and forth, stifling the urge to either mute the TV or pull the skin off of myself.  I’m not sure if this means I have a high or low attention span, but I do know it makes everyone uncomforable when a grown woman puts her fingers in her ears in the middle of a party.

What about you?

I feel ya, kid.  It doesn't have to make sense.

I feel ya, kid. It doesn’t have to make sense.

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Posted on 05/15/2013, in family and friends, general stupidity, life in general and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Sheila Romano

    LOVE IT! YOU’RE TOO FUNNY………

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