Monthly Archives: February 2014
So, There’s a Live Animal in Your Wall.
Thursday, 10PM. “Hmm, why are the cats skulking along the baseboards in the kitchen?” “Oh, there’s a loose floorboard.” “Hmm, I hope that rat/mouse I saw in the summer doesn’t try to get in.”
Friday, 7PM. “Aaah. Excellent. Long week complete. Time to sit down and relax with a drink. Hey, you’re home all alone for the first time in forever. This is sort of nice.”
Friday, 7:48PM. “I’ll just go ahead and stir this pot roast. What a great dinner this is going to be!”
Friday, 7:51PM. “What’s that scratching? Hmm, I never noticed that hole below the kitchen cabinets.”
Friday, 7:53PM. “OMG SWEET JESUS THAT WAS A FUCKING PAW THERE IS SOMETHING SCRATCHING ITS WAY INTO THE APARTMENT.”
Friday, 7:54PM. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK STOP IT STOP IT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HELP!!!”
Friday, 7:56PM. “No, I don’t THINK there’s a rat in my wall. There IS something in my wall. I saw it. Send help, like right this second.”
Friday, 7:57PM -Friday, 8:05PM, Pounding on wall frantically whilst yelling out loud. Go away!! Oh my god oh my god!!!
Friday, 8:05PM to 8:35PM. Hysterics. There’s no other word.
Friday 8:35PM to 8:37PM. Silence. No one cares.
Friday 8:38PM to 8:42PM. Scratchedy scratchedy scratchedy, motherfucker! I’m going to get you!!!
Friday, 8:43PM to 8:51PM. Camped out at kitchen table, making as much noise as possible. “Come on, Ramon, hiss at the dirty shit filled rodent – yeah, okay, it’s a mammal – trying to attack our lives. And my pot roast.”
Friday, 8:52PM to 8:56PM. “Why are you throwing up, you stupid cat??? This should be your shining moment! Your one chance in your eleven years to do something that doesn’t make everyone angry!”
Friday, 8:57PM to 9:01PM. OMG this is totally worse than when that possum got onto the porch.
Friday, 9:02PM to 9:05PM. And when that stupid skunk had babies in the backyard and they were all digging everything up and trying to act like they were cute but were actually horror-filled stink bombs that ruined entire weekends.
Friday, 9:06PM to 9:10PM. Scratchedy scratchedy scratchedy!!!! Ima get you!! You’ll never sleep again!!!
Friday, 9:11PM to 9:15PM. Yes, yes, I do believe it’s time for another vodka drink.
Friday, 9:16PM to 9:21PM. “Die, motherfucker!” yelled while pounding on the wall. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE!!” (that’s me screaming, if you didn’t catch it.)
Friday, 9:22PM to 9:30PM. Maybe it died? Or fell asleep? Does that happen? Do they just give up?
Friday, 9:31PM to 9:45PM. “All is calm, All is bright!”
Friday, 9:46PM to 9:47PM. I am not losing this pot roast. You don’t scare me, rodent!
Friday, 9:48PM to 9:51PM. Seriously, this has to be the one night in six months that the partyboys upstairs haven’t come home around this time to gear up for the night. I don’t know that they’d be that much help, but this is one situation I’m not ashamed to admit I really wish there was someone of the opposite sex here to give some advice.
Friday, 9:52PM to 9:57PM. Am going to be found here, alone, eaten by rodents. I swear, Mom, I was just about to clean up and organize that dresser. I got sidetracked. I’m sorry.
Friday, 9:58PM to 10:01PM. Might as well have one last drink. The thing has been quiet for a few minutes. I can only assume this means it is gathering reinforcements.
Friday, 10:02PM to Present. Clutching glass of vodka, head spinning as if on a swivel, just waiting for the noise, spontaneously yelling and/or stomping feet.
Just know I loved you all.