So, There’s a Live Animal in Your Wall.
Thursday, 10PM. “Hmm, why are the cats skulking along the baseboards in the kitchen?” “Oh, there’s a loose floorboard.” “Hmm, I hope that rat/mouse I saw in the summer doesn’t try to get in.”
Friday, 7PM. “Aaah. Excellent. Long week complete. Time to sit down and relax with a drink. Hey, you’re home all alone for the first time in forever. This is sort of nice.”
Friday, 7:48PM. “I’ll just go ahead and stir this pot roast. What a great dinner this is going to be!”
Friday, 7:51PM. “What’s that scratching? Hmm, I never noticed that hole below the kitchen cabinets.”
Friday, 7:53PM. “OMG SWEET JESUS THAT WAS A FUCKING PAW THERE IS SOMETHING SCRATCHING ITS WAY INTO THE APARTMENT.”
Friday, 7:54PM. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK STOP IT STOP IT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HELP!!!”
Friday, 7:56PM. “No, I don’t THINK there’s a rat in my wall. There IS something in my wall. I saw it. Send help, like right this second.”
Friday, 7:57PM -Friday, 8:05PM, Pounding on wall frantically whilst yelling out loud. Go away!! Oh my god oh my god!!!
Friday, 8:05PM to 8:35PM. Hysterics. There’s no other word.
Friday 8:35PM to 8:37PM. Silence. No one cares.
Friday 8:38PM to 8:42PM. Scratchedy scratchedy scratchedy, motherfucker! I’m going to get you!!!
Friday, 8:43PM to 8:51PM. Camped out at kitchen table, making as much noise as possible. “Come on, Ramon, hiss at the dirty shit filled rodent – yeah, okay, it’s a mammal – trying to attack our lives. And my pot roast.”
Friday, 8:52PM to 8:56PM. “Why are you throwing up, you stupid cat??? This should be your shining moment! Your one chance in your eleven years to do something that doesn’t make everyone angry!”
Friday, 8:57PM to 9:01PM. OMG this is totally worse than when that possum got onto the porch.
Friday, 9:02PM to 9:05PM. And when that stupid skunk had babies in the backyard and they were all digging everything up and trying to act like they were cute but were actually horror-filled stink bombs that ruined entire weekends.
Friday, 9:06PM to 9:10PM. Scratchedy scratchedy scratchedy!!!! Ima get you!! You’ll never sleep again!!!
Friday, 9:11PM to 9:15PM. Yes, yes, I do believe it’s time for another vodka drink.
Friday, 9:16PM to 9:21PM. “Die, motherfucker!” yelled while pounding on the wall. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE!!” (that’s me screaming, if you didn’t catch it.)
Friday, 9:22PM to 9:30PM. Maybe it died? Or fell asleep? Does that happen? Do they just give up?
Friday, 9:31PM to 9:45PM. “All is calm, All is bright!”
Friday, 9:46PM to 9:47PM. I am not losing this pot roast. You don’t scare me, rodent!
Friday, 9:48PM to 9:51PM. Seriously, this has to be the one night in six months that the partyboys upstairs haven’t come home around this time to gear up for the night. I don’t know that they’d be that much help, but this is one situation I’m not ashamed to admit I really wish there was someone of the opposite sex here to give some advice.
Friday, 9:52PM to 9:57PM. Am going to be found here, alone, eaten by rodents. I swear, Mom, I was just about to clean up and organize that dresser. I got sidetracked. I’m sorry.
Friday, 9:58PM to 10:01PM. Might as well have one last drink. The thing has been quiet for a few minutes. I can only assume this means it is gathering reinforcements.
Friday, 10:02PM to Present. Clutching glass of vodka, head spinning as if on a swivel, just waiting for the noise, spontaneously yelling and/or stomping feet.
Just know I loved you all.
Posted on 02/07/2014, in Chicago, family and friends, general stupidity, Hmm, I Will Punch You, life in general and tagged how is a rat not a emergency, OMG fucking help, OMG it's still here, rats, rodents in walls, someone come kill everything in my wall, someone help me, what to do if there's an animal in your fucking wall. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.