Monthly Archives: February 2015

15 Things I Learned This Week

I posted yesterday about finally fixing a problem after a year and a half of throwing coats over chairs and hanging them on every possible surface that was at least four feet off the ground.  When we had company, every door would be overgrown with coats, scarves, hats and sweatshirts.  I would occasionally comment, “Hey, we should get a coat rack,” as I was balancing yet another coat on the one hook we had, but that was about it.  Yesterday, I went to Family Dollar and bought one of those over-the-door coat racks.  The entire process, from decision to installation, took exactly seventeen minutes and six dollars, and it made me so immeasurably happy that I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner.

I do shit like this a lot, and it’s only partially to make my mother crazy.  For instance, every week, I take a train and bus each morning and afternoon to get to and from work.  This costs almost exactly $25 each week.  Each week, I know this.  The CTA is not going to change prices, the weather is not going to break enough that I can ride my bike – therefore, on Monday, the smart, adult-like thing to do would be to load my CTA card with $25.00.  Instead, each day, I like to play a game called, “Hmm, I wonder if I have enough money to get on the bus?” while running down the street with wet hair to catch said bus.  Inevitably, I do not, and then – you guessed it, load $5.00 onto the card just so I can repeat the fun the next day.  (I used to do this when I drove to work and it made my friend Kelly insane.  I’d be on the phone with her and she’d yell, “I hear you at the gas station!  Don’t you dare only put six dollars in that tank.  Fill up the fucking car!  I know you have money!”)

Before you ask, no, I don’t know why I do this.  It’s not about the money.  I have enough.  There’s literally no explanation.  None.  I don’t enjoy it, and yet every other day or so, I can’t seem to pull the trigger on pushing the $25.00 button.  It’s decision making like this that makes me occasionally question my ability as a functioning adult in society.  Here’s a few other things I learned this week.

1.    Just because you can use Tide pods in the dishwasher when you run out of dish tabs and they get the dishes sparkly clean doesn’t mean you should.  (See also, “How to Fix Your Dishwasher without Alerting Your Landlord to the Fact that You’re an Asshole.”)

2.    There’s really no good food to eat when you feel like you’re starting to get the flu, but the absolute worst thing to eat would be the delicious pot roast and mashed cauliflower that you love more than anything.  Throwing up your favorite meal makes it less favorite-y.  Beer is also a poor choice.

3.    The fact that it’s early in the morning does not mean that you can make time go slower.  Everyone does this to some extent, but convincing yourself that you can shower, make a smoothie, look presentable, and be at the bus stop in seven minutes is unreasonable and counterproductive.  Especially because you don’t have enough money on your card to get on said bus.

4.   By the time you’re yelling at and bargaining with the cats to leave you alone, you have already lost.  Go hide in the bedroom and take a timeout.

5.   When one decides to try and mimic the super fit girl  at the gym doing pushups using TRX straps, (Google it if you don’t know,) one should assess their ability to do a regular pushup on flat ground first  (nonexistent) instead of blindly putting their feet in straps and swinging wildly until they fall on their face.

6.    Speaking of the gym, one should never, ever glance at the full length mirror while trying to do a deadlift.  You do not look cute.  Trust.

7.    After you have spent the better part of 12 hours vomiting from the flu, two of which were spent on the bathroom floor (okay, fine, on the toilet) eating a popsicle because you were so dehydrated but afraid to leave the bathroom, if, when you walk out of said bathroom to go back to bed and step in a pile of cat puke, you WILL start to cry uncontrollably. 

8.    When your husband publicly calls you out on Facebook for not ever telling him that you’re out of dishwasher tabs or cat food, looking up as he walks in the door and exclaiming, “Oh, shit, we’re out of cat food!” will be met with homicidal glares.

9.    The next time you see a patch of ice and think that you’ll gracefully hop over it, remember that A) You are not graceful, B) You are wearing dress boots with no traction, and C) Your hands are in your pockets because you didn’t bother to put your gloves on.  When you fall, it’s going to hurt.

10.   If you are meeting a friend at Walgreens to then go shopping, coming up the escalator to meet him while proudly holding the bargain deal muscle roller you didn’t realize looked just like a sex toy will not be met with enthusiasm.  He will refuse to walk with you until you find a bag that completely conceals it.

11.   Engaging in debates on Facebook about whether “50 Shades of Grey” glorifies abuse will make you want to take a hostage.  (It. Doesn’t.)

12.   Drinking an entire pot of soothing tea before bed is a good idea.  Not checking to make sure its decaffeinated is not.

13.   Stopping at your gym on the way home from a night out to use the bathroom is acceptable.  Being half in the bag while doing so will get you mocked when you come in the next day.  (Whatever.  For 70 bucks a month I’ll do what I want.)    

14.  The cashiers at Reckless Records on Milwaukee Ave. are assholes.  Big smiles and attempts at conversation will be counteracted with huge sighs and eye-rolls, no matter how friendly you want to be.

15.   Proudly exclaiming you’ve seen New Kids on the Block eight times in concert will not garner you the positive attention you were looking for.

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                                                                                              Whatever.  I got the coat rack thing done.  I’ll work on the rest.

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