Category Archives: celebrities

I Loved The Oscars. Which Apparently Means I’m Very Bad at Being a Female.

I’ve never been accused of being a girly-girl.  While I had a deep-seated love for Cabbage Patch Kids and boy bands as a child, (and yeah, the boy band thing may not have gone away,) I dressed up as a hockey player in third grade when other girls were princesses.  I was trying to play quarterback when my classmates were playing cheerleader.   I panic at the thought of shopping, have to consciously stop myself from using the word “fuck” while talking to co-workers and “new people,” as I call them, and some of my favorite jokes are ones that cannot be told in polite company.  (Which is a good thing, given my choice of husband and friends.)  (Seriously, we keep a list on our fridge of “Things That Have Never Been Said Before,” that actually have been said at my house.  Most of them are not repeatable.)

Keeping the above in mind, I was ecstatic that Seth MacFarlane was hosting the Oscars.  (My non-girliness does not extend to awards shows.  I love awards shows.  Fucking LOVE them.  All the dresses and hair and the shoes and the red carpet and the excitement and the famous people.  Can’t get enough.)  I looked forward to them more than I had in years – because seriously?  The hosts always try to make some jokes about the attendees, and they always seem to fall flat – Billy Crystal excepted – because everyone is so afraid of offending someone or stepping over the line.  But Seth MacFarlane, who makes fun of everyone, exploits every weakness, and isn’t afraid to drop an f-bomb here or there?  He would be fabulous!

And I thought he was.  Sure, he teeter-tottered on that tightrope of offensiveness, but for the most part, I thought he did a great job of not going overboard while simultaneously keeping what’s normally a tedious couple of hours entertaining.  So I was somewhat surprised at the backlash he received the following day, being called misogynistic, sexist, racist, and culminating in the “Worst Oscars Ever.”  People?  You all need to calm the fuck down.  Seriously.  Re-fucking-lax.  Take a joke.

The Salma Hayek, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz joke.

While mentioning the above three, MacFarlane joked, ““We have no idea what they’re saying but we don’t care because they’re so attractive.”  Um, hello?  Every single time Penelope Cruz is on TV, I’m all, “What?  What did she say?”  I can’t understand her.   Does it make her stupid?  Absolutely not.  Does it make her any less of a phenomenal actress?  No.  Does it take away from her award-winning performances?  Negative.  Same with Bardem and Hayek.  All he did was find the possibility of a flaw in three of the most beautiful people on the planet and exploited it.  Did anyone come after Ellen DeGeneres after this commercial where she tells Sofia Vergara, “That’s because no one can understand you.”  NO.  Why was this different?

The Abraham Lincoln Joke.

While talking about the film “Lincoln,”  MacFarlane remarked, “This is interesting, Daniel Day-Lewis is not the first actor to be nominated for playing Lincoln. Raymond Massey portrayed him in 1940’s “Abe Lincoln In Illinois.” This is true. I would argue, however, that the actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.” Much of the audience waited a beat before groaning in disgust and  I thought the host’s response of, “Is 150 years too soon?” was hilarious.  C’mon, Hollywood.  You’re going to gasp in disapproval and be all offended?  You know if you were on your couch at home and not on the camera you would have laughed.  It. Was. Funny.  How many people do you think started to laugh and then when they heard the murmur of disapproval changed their minds and shook their heads?  I bet it was a lot.

We Saw Your Boobs.

This is perhaps MacFarlane’s most maligned number of the night.  Short version, he sang a song highlighting several women who have been topless in various films, and the reaction from some of those mentioned?  Was not positive, to put it mildly.  Um, ladies?  We did see your boobs.  You can call it art, you can call it acting, you can defend it in the name of your craft all you want.  You still showed your tits in front of a camera, for millions of people to see.  Does that mean it’s degrading, or not artistic, or distasteful?  No.  But you still showed your boobs.  I promise you, Seth MacFarlane is not the only person that internally giggles when he sees you and thinks, all Beavis and Butthead style, “Heh.  I’ve seen her boobs.”  And if you didn’t consider that possibility, you’re kind of dumb.  And the fact that these women, Assemblywoman Bonnie Lowenthal, and Sen. Hannah-Beth Jackson, actually took the time to write a letter to the academy, stating that MacFarlane’s jokes,  “reduced our finest female actresses to caricatures and stereotypes, degrading women as a whole and the filmmaking industry itself,” makes me think that politicians in California?  Probably need some more focus.  Seriously, folks, these are Hollywood actresses.  And please don’t get me wrong here – I’m honestly not downplaying their accomplishments or talents, or fabulous boobs, for that matter – but honestly?  An enormous portion of these women’s collective success is based on their phenomenal looks.  And I promise you, they got paid a substantial amount more for showing their knockers than if they’d refused.  If you don’t want people to mention they’ve seen your boobs – don’t show your fucking boobs.  It’s quite simple, really.

In short?  Get over yourselves, Hollywood.  You’re not classy anymore, and if we dig down deep enough, you really haven’t ever been. There’s always been scandals and sex tapes and cheating and mysterious deaths and tragic downfalls and profanity and nastiness and cover-ups.  And if you don’t want that exposed on your big, shining, celebratory evening where you all act like you’re the bestest of friends and you wouldn’t stab your tablemate with a salad fork if you thought it would get you a better role?  Don’t ask someone who has made their living saying what everyone else is too afraid to say to be your host for the evening.

Cheers to you, Seth MacFarlane.  I thought you were great.

Just wait until next year.  Remember who did the halftime show after Janet and Justin's wardrobe malfunction?  Me neither.

Just wait until next year. Remember who did the halftime show after Janet and Justin’s wardrobe malfunction? Me neither.

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Three People That Should Have Kept Their Mouth Shut

I really wanted to title this something more angry, (Three People That Should Be Shot Into the Sun was a frontrunner,) but I took a step back and tried to remember that one of the reasons I love my country so much is that we are all protected by the First Amendment and everyone is entitled to their opinion.  No matter how much someone’s opinion makes me want to kick them in the shins, no matter how much I disagree, no matter how fucking wrong and ignorant they are, no matter how much they make me fear for humanity – they are entitled to their opinion.  That being said?  These people might want to reconsider theirs.

This Group in Indiana Pushing for a “Traditional Prom,” Excluding the LGBT Students of the Community.

For the full perspective, please read the full article.  It needs to be noted that the school itself, including its principal and administrators, are NOT in favor of this joke of a prom and instead welcome all students, regardless of sexual preference, to the actual dance and are not budging on the issue.  This “Traditional Prom,” which would only include male/female couples and would ban homosexuals, has been developed by a select group of students, parents, and this fabulous teacher that everyone would obviously want to have.  And by “everyone would want to have,” I mean OH SWEET BABY JESUS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS AN EDUCATOR.  Ms. Medley has certainly come under the most fire for her comments, and I would almost feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such an idiot.  In an interview, Ms. Medley compared her LGBT students to her special needs students, that she “cares” about her homosexual students despite not believing in homosexuality, and my personal favorite, responded “No,” to a question regarding whether homosexuals have a purpose.

Really?  Are we not in 2013?  I mean, I’m not a moron.  I realize that we have a long way to go before there’s true equality and  so on and so forth.  But the fact that this woman, who is a teacher, who should be a CHAMPION of those that society shuns, can say with a straight face that she cares about all of her students while actively judging them astounds me.  How much would you like to bet she also has strong opinions about her black students, about her overweight kids, about her goth kids, about her artistic students?  I mean, she certainly SEEMS well rounded and not at all condescending, but – oh wait, no she doesn’t.

Rex Reed and His Insightful Comments about Oscar-Nominated Melissa McCarthy.

Despite a deep-seated love for both Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy, I haven’t yet seen “Identity Thief.”  The movie itself might suck, I don’t know.  But Mr. Reed’s comments about Melissa McCarthy are, in short, disgusting.  The review seems to be an almost personal, vitriolic assault on McCarthy, calling her, “tractor-sized,” “a hippo,” and “obnoxious and obese.”  I’m going to skip over the obvious, which could include things like, “Rex Reed is a complete dickhead,” “Rex Reed needs a fucking full-length mirror if he’s going to throw stones at people about their looks,” and “The females in Rex Reed’s life are probably super proud of him.”  Instead, I say for one, I surely hope the fabulous Melissa is laughing all the way to the bank, as the movie was the highest-grossing yet this year and she has that whole Golden Globe/Oscar thing to fall back on.  Two?  I’m glad that the response has been overwhelmingly negative towards this narrow minded prick.  I hope that the lesson that comes out of this is that, regardless of size, if you are awesome at what you do and work hard at it, you will be embraced in a positive manner and hopefully rewarded.  I hope the other lesson is that if you’re a mean-spirited jerkface, people will eventually stop liking you.  You’re losing the internet, Rex Reed.

This Pastor Who Stiffed a Waitress on a $.29 Tip in the Name of the Lord.  And Then Got Another One Fired.

So Pastor Alois Bell of the Almighty Church of Jerks that Shouldn’t Go Out To Eat, during a trip Applebees a few weeks ago, thought that if their large party split their check, they could sneak around the mandatory 18% gratuity on large parties.  This is a common tactic among people that suck at going out to dinner, and as a former waitress is one of the several things that made me want to take a hostage after several hours of fetching water for a party of ten.  Her waitress for the evening was not fooled by the ruse and added the 18% gratuity anyhow.  Pastor Bell wasn’t having it, and scratched out the TWENTY NINE CENT tip, scribbling “I give God 10%, why do you get 18?”

Well, Ms. Bell, let me tell you.  Because I?  Have been running around like a fucking maid for you for the past two hours.  I am in the position of depending on high and mighty jerks like you to pay for my rent and groceries.  Which is why I ran around like a maid for you for the past two hours.  I took all of your orders, I brought your drinks, I remembered who wanted medium and who wanted rare, I kept your glasses filled, I cleared your plates, I walked each and every person in your party through the menu because IT’S VERY CONFUSING, being Applebees and all, I explained your desserts, I found a vegan entree, I unearthed the special dipping sauce you like, I wiped up the sticky fucking mess the children in your party threw on the floor, I boxed up three bites of a cheeseburger for you to take home, I made fresh coffee because yours “tasted old,” I reheated your bread, and I split your fucking check eight different ways.  And I did it all with a smile.  For TWENTY NINE FUCKING CENTS.  You know why?  Because I take my job seriously, as demeaning and demoralizing as it can be.  You can give God whatever you want, and bless you for it.  But I’m pretty sure He would want you to give your waitress TWENTY NINE CENTS for waiting on you hand and foot all night.  Also?  If this is truly your belief, why are you angry and embarrassed about it now that someone other than your lowly waitress is aware of it?

     ***Edited: It appears I was incorrect in the tip amount; it was actually $6.29.  Point remains the same.***

In short – yes, everyone’s entitled to their opinion and beliefs.  And yes, I recognize the irony of writing an opinion piece on other people’s opinions.  To quote one of my favorite movies ever, “Opinions are like assholes, honey. Everybody’s got one and everybody thinks everybody else’s stinks.”

What’s yours?

wtf

Oh Yes, This is Happening Right Now.

Some of you may have heard in the past few days that there’s been a pretty amazing concert announced in the Chicago area.  Facebook and Twitter has blown up with people near apoplectic with excitement for July and one can only imagine how they’re going to wait six more months.

That’s right, New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, and freaking Boyz II Men are coming to the Allstate Arena!!!!  The Package Tour!!!  I can’t even believe it!!  (Wait, did you think I was talking about Pearl Jam at Wrigley?  You should probably stop reading now cause you most likely don’t like me anymore.)

I’ve been a diehard New Kids fan since my tuba-playing elk days, and despite my friends and family making decidedly more pointed “suggestions” that perhaps I don’t need to advertise this fact as proudly as I do, I am so very excited about this concert.  In addition to my favorite boy band ever, NKOTB – seriously, Boyz II Men??  I mean, who doesn’t have great memories to one of their songs?  Admittedly don’t know much 98 Degrees as I was too busy drinking at fraternity parties in college when they were popular, but I’m confident I will love them.

So last night, I was home alone again and decided the best way to spend my evening was to watch “The View” on which this heartstopping announcement was made.  i found a 30-minute video on YouTube and settled in for happiness.  Below are the thoughts that were swimming around and slamming into each other in my head as I watched.  If you’d like to follow along, feel free.  Here’s the video.  And please don’t put me in a straitjacket.  At least not before July.

  • Well, Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s still annoying as fuck.
  • aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh I still love you Donnie!!!
  • But what’s with the glasses, man?
  • Why is the audience filled with desperate looking old girls?
  • Dammit.  That’s EXACTLY what I look like.  Potato!  Get me a beer!
  • OMG!  Nick Lachey is still super cute.  I miss “Newlyweds.”
  • Although, God, that bitch was dumb.  I wonder how often Nick wanted to smother her with a pillow but couldn’t because of the cameras?
  • Struck with a memory of an argument in which I defended Jessica, stating, “When you’re that pretty, you don’t have to be smart.”  Mentally kick self repeatedly in head.
  • OOOOHHHH I loved that song!!  They used to play it at the bar!!!
  • Wait, New Kids came before Boyz II Men?  How old am I?
  • I’LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU, LIKE YOU WANT ME TO!!
  • Didn’t there used to be four Boyz?  Did one die?  That’s super sad.
  • Ah, answered.  He just left the group.  Smart move, dummy.  They probably won’t make any money on this tour.  Glad he’s not dead though.
  • I don’t want to hear about you giving your kids bottles backstage, gentlemen.  You’re supposed to be sexy.
  • Wait.  I guess if I had kids that might be considered sexy.
  • Dammit, again.  Potato, beer me!
  • Did Drew Lachey beat out Joey McIntyre on Dancing with the Stars?  Why didn’t I watch that show again?
  • Shut UP, Elizabeth.  God, you’re irritating.
  • Seriously, what grown woman actually believes her husband has never looked at porn?
  • A really, really naive one, that’s who.
  • OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!!  THE RIGHT STUFF!!!
  • I never did get that dance down.
  • “That’s cause you’re disturbingly uncoordinated.  You can’t even walk down the stairs without a handrail, spaz.  Remember when you almost killed all those people walking to the Blue Line cause your shoe was untied?”  (That was my subconscious.  She’s an asshole with an excellent memory.)
  • Heh.  They said “Package.”
  • I STILL LOVE YOU DONNIE!!!  SEE YOU IN JULY!!!

So yeah, I know it’s not groundbreaking, Grammy award-winning music.  And I know I will be mocked mercilessly for the next few months for being so excited.  But it makes me happy.  All of that being said, I WILL name my firstborn after anyone who can score me good seats to this show,

Also – aren’t you glad you don’t live in my head?

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Seriously, how cute are we?  I’ve had that shirt since 1989.  And it still fits!  (Sorry, 11 year old Courtney.  But we’ve already established you were a hot mess.)

5 Songs With Lyrics That Make Me Extremely Uncomfortable

When I sat down to write this, my original plan was to write about songs with grievous grammatical errors.  However, less than three minutes into my research I was ready to kick puppies in frustration.  (FYI – Beyonce?  “Conversate” is not a word. SMASH.)  So, for the sake of my sanity, I abandoned that project.

While browsing the internet, I was listening to oldies on Pandora, and a song that has long disturbed me began playing, prompting me to revisit some other songs that with some lyrics that have always caused me to stop and think, “Wait a minute….that’s actually all sorts of wrong.”  Here’s my top five – feel free to play along at home.

The Temptations/Supremes – “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.”

  • “And every night, every day, I’m gonna say, I’m gonna get you…….I’m gonna make you love me.”

Remember that little cartoon girl who squeezed that innocent cat nearly to death while chanting, “I’m gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever?”  That’s what this reminds me of.

The Police – “Every Breath You Take.”

  • “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.”

Oh, so sweet!  He wants to always be with me!  No, miss, he does not.  He has a telescope trained on your apartment and is planning to wear your skin as a coat after he’s done stalking you.

Edwin McCain – “I’ll Be.”

  • “I’ll hang from your lips.”

Whaaaaa?  Ew, right?  I always loved this song until I figured out this is actually the correct lyric, and now every time I hear it I can’t help but picture some dude flailing on a fish hook hanging from his girlfriend’s mouth.

Alanis Morissette – “Ironic.”

You know what’s ironic to me, Alanis?  The fact that someone wrote a song titled “Ironic,” despite not having a clear grasp of the definition of the word.  This song should be called, “Aren’t You Fucking Unlucky.”  Don’t you think?

Neil Diamond – “Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon.”

  • “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, Soon, You’ll Need a Man.”

Excuse me, Uncle Chester?  Can you get the fuck out of my room, freak?  When I do come of age, you can bet your ass I’m running as far as I can from you.  Also, it must be mentioned that the B side of this album was called, “You’ll Forget.”  Awesome, you’re handing out roofies too?  Get away from me, you dirty creepster.

There has to be hundreds more – what are the songs that freak you out?

revved up

Celebrities I’m Already Tired of in 2013

Here we are in a new year, folks!  Happy 2013!  It’s the time of year everyone’s going to lose weight, stop smoking, get control of the clutter in our lives, and stop watching so much damn TV.  Right?  Bullshit.  Ask me in November 2013 what’s changed since January and I guarantee most responses will be something along the lines of, “Yeah, what the fuck ever.  I was probably drunk when I said that.”  I’m all for resolutions and wanting to better your life, but as I’ve stated before, every time I make them I end up in a pile of Weight Watchers cookbooks somewhere around January 15th, smoking a cigarette, looking for my shoes while partially mesmerized by an NCIS marathon and eating mashed potatoes.

Just me?  Okay.  I can buy that – perhaps some of you actually stick to what you say you’re going to do.  That being said, it’s four days in and I am already irritated by the anticipated celebrity news that’s going to to fucking polarize everyone in the upcoming year.  Here’s a few people that I promise you are going to be sick of by May.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and their vile offspring.

Kanye KimYeah, cause you’re super excited to hear about this for the next couple of months, aren’t you?  Two of the most irritating, talentless, money-hungry assholes in Hollywood are going to HAVE A BABY???  Well thank Christ cause you know what we need?  More kids that think the world is theirs for the taking despite a lack of any discernable skill.  That’s pretty much what America’s been missing.  And as a service to you, you don’t need to look at a tabloid for the next six months – here’s the headlines.

“Kim’s Baby Bump!”

“Kanye to Kim – You’re Too Fat!”

“Kim to Kanye – Leave Me and My Baby Alone!”

“Kim and Kanye Cheating Scandal!  Kim tells Kanye, ‘You’re Not the Father!'”

“Bruce Jenner, ‘Oh For the Love of Fuck.  Someone Kill Me.'”

“Kanye and Kim’s $3Million Nursery!”

You know how this ends?  #kimye  #yourparentssuck  #sorryyouhavenochanceofnotbeinganasshole

(And yeah.  It really hurt to say kimye.  But you know it’s happening.  You do.  Give it a minute.)

Rihanna and Chris Brown

rihanna-chris-brown-lakers-christmas-05

So they’re back together, and super happy about it.  Am I the only one who doesn’t care?  I don’t know what happened back in 2009.  What I do know is that these are two grown adults, both of whom have access to the best resources available for anger management and domestic abuse issues.  If EITHER of them choose not to take advantage, I. Don’t. Care.  Does anyone else not want to hear about this shit for another year?  The only reason these two are stlll relevant is because he beat the crap out of her before an awards show.   I don’t care to follow the rest of this dysfunctional relationship through another year of Grammy’s and VMA’s.  Now we’re going to celebrate their “music achievements?”  Fuck you.  If he was average Joe he’d be in jail (I hope,) and if she were Average Jane she’d be in a shelter.  Fuck you both for glorifying it.  I don’t want to hear about your damn romance for the next year.  Cause I. Don’t. Care.  Have I mentioned that?

Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj

mariah nickiHi.   Perhaps no one mentioned to you two that American Idol has been obsolete since 2008.  And possibly before then.  Ladies?  Paula Abdul quit.  Paula.  Fucking. Abdul.  That didn’t give you the clue this show was jumping the fucking shark?  Ryan Seacrest has replaced Dick fucking Clark and the only reason I can possibly fathom he’s still around is due to a contract signed way before he knew his white teeth, small stature, and radio voice would make him millions.   I’m not disparaging either Mariah’s or Nicki’s talent – they both have it in spades, albeit in different formats.  That being said, Ryan. Seacrest.  Is probably making more on this show than you.  You don’t get to have a diva fight.  Because Ryan. Fucking. Seacrest. is more popular than you two.  Stop judging.  He’s the bigger diva.  Yeah, I know it’s sad.  But I’m not in charge of everything, despite my repeated requests.  Life’s a bitch, girls.

In short, to say that I’m not excited about the celebrity news that’s forthcoming in 2013 might be an understatement.  But unless Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift make a love child, this is what we’re dealing with.

And if I ever have to write “Justtay” or “Biebswift” I’m punching everyone in the ears; I don’t care whose fault it is.

Happy New Year!

This Might Be Why Other Countries Hate Us, America.

I’m sorry, but isn’t there a relatively important election coming up?  Did the East Coast not just get hit with the biggest storm that it has ever seen?  Are there not millions of people without power?  Isn’t Honey Boo Boo still on television?  I must be misinformed, because according to the trending topics on Yahoo, we have much bigger things to worry about.  The top five trending topics, as of 8:15 CST on 10/30/12, are a pathetic mishmash of search terms.  I’ve listed them below.  You are hurting my feelings, Yahoo searchers.

“Lil Wayne Scolded.”

First of all, the use of the word “scolded,” in this title makes it seem innocuous and silly to me.  By whom?  His mother?  Because I feel as though a mom is really the only one that scold appropriately.  But no, this wasn’t his mother.  Instead, a judge is apparently upset with Lil Wayne as he was too busy having seizures to attend his ongoing trial regarding a dispute around his music.  Two things to note here – I do not know if Lil Wayne is at fault here because I refuse to look further into it.  The other is that I use the term music loosely here, as I don’t understand how this guy has the following he has.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a big fan of rap.  However, muttering a lot of words really quickly completely unrelated to the great beat behind you does not make you a rapper.  It makes you annoying.  And apparently gets you scolded.

“Ian Ziering.”

The fuck???  Is it 1997?  Am I in Hewitt Hall, bemoaning my 10AM class and waiting for Papa John’s pizza?  Because I’m pretty sure that was the last time Ian Ziering was relevant to anything.  He was the least liked character on an extremely popular TV show in the 90’s.  It’s IAN ZIERING. How many people could possibly care that he’s expecting another child?  I mean, I wish them all the best and such, but folks?  The last episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 aired in 2000.  If your last film credit is more than 12 years ago, as far as I’m concerned, you are no more famous than my cat.

“Kelsey Grammer Baby.”

So, Kelsey Grammer has a 3 month old baby.  Whom he decided to bring, along with his wife, to a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion over the weekend.  According the very busy, opinionated, vicious mongers who spend inordinate amounts of time commenting on Yahoo’s top stories, this was a grievious, disgusting error that is going to take years of therapy later on in baby Faith’s life to overcome.  Folks?  A little perspective here?  Faith doesn’t know she has feet.  I sincerely doubt she’s going to remember sleeping through a party.  The fact that she was conceived when her father was nearly sixty and her mother was barely out of her twenties is probably going to fuck her psyche up a lot more than being in the same room with Hugh Hefner as an infant.

“Donald Trump.”

I hate Donald Trump.  I hate his smugness, I hate his hair, I hate his T.V. shows.  But most of all, I hate his recent disgusting attempt at making it look as though the President would forgo a charity millions of dollars.  Wait, I take that back.  Most of all, I hate that he used a hurricane to try and resurrect his ridiculous publicity fail.  You sir, are not God.  Nor are you the President.  You are filthy rich and an extremely successful businessman. Last I checked, that does not give you the power to play reindeer games with the leader of the free world.  You will never be that powerful and I hope someone shaves your stupid head in your sleep and hacks your Twitter account.

“Cloud Atlas Flop.”

Whaaaa??  A multimillion dollar Hollywood film fell ridiculously short of expectations?  That never happens!!!  I’m not opining on the movie itself because A) I haven’t seen it and B) I think it looks kind of cool.  (A bad sign for Cloud Atlas.  I also loved every second of Twilight, have never seen Star Wars, and can recite every word to Billy Madison and Mallrats.  I have horrible taste in movies.)  Regardless – again – who cares?  Tom Hanks and Halle Berry are probably going to rebound.  I say that’s what you get for trying to sell a powerful love story that spans multiple fantasy worlds to an audience that watches an unlikable child, rich housewives, and a show called “Duck Dynasty” on a regular basis.  What did you expect, Hollywood?  We’re too dumbed down for this.

The internet is making us dumber, friends.  There’s such an abundance of information that we get caught up in the completely trivial and overlook the important, not vice versa.  Unfortunately, as I just looked at the five most recent Yahoo searches on my phone and they are, “Key and Peele,” “Rules to Shitter,” “Angel Cubs 2003,” “Mike Jersey Shore,” and “Famous Song by Don Henely,” I’m in no position to launch stones out of my glass house.

Off to hang my head in shame somewhere.  At least go vote next week, okay?

Some People Just Need To Be Punched Repeatedly

No, this isn’t going to be another assault on the Kardashians and why they are ruining the world.

(They do, in fact, need to be punched repeatedly.  But that’s not my focus today.)

(And for the record, it’s mostly Kim.  The other ones could be very nice people for all I know. )

(I guess she could be a nice person too.  But anyone who’s rotten enough to spend 20 grand on a WEDDING CAKE deserves a swift kick in the rear, at least, regardless of disposition.)

Argh.  Okay.  This post is not about the Kardashians.  It’s about the “Human Barbie.”  Yes, you read that correctly, apparently there really is a person idiotic enough to spend NEARLY ONE MILLIONS DOLLARS  on plastic surgery in a (completely fruitless) attempt at looking like every young girl’s favorite self-esteem-destroyer.

Have you folks heard of this dummy?  Here’s her page.  Please, feel free.  Take a moment.  Form your opinion.  It won’t take long.

Now, I have a lot of not-so-nice things to say about this woman.  But that would likely lead to a rant on how we need to stop glamorizing these people and giving them money and that will probably lead me right back to the damn Kardashians.  And I’m not doing that again tonight.  In addition, she’s 51 years old and free to mutilate herself as much as she’d like.  Keep going until you turn into a white, female version of Michael Jackson.  See if I care.

No, my problem with this whacko stems from the Christmas gift she gave her daughter.  Who is seven.  SEVEN.  For those of you curious, but not curious enough to click the link, the gift in question is a voucher.  Which is a pretty shitty gift for a seven-year-old in itself, come to think of it, but the real issue lies with what the voucher is for.  Which is — wait for it — $11,000 in liposuction, to be used at a later date.  Because, and I quote, “She asks for surgery all the time. She wants to look good and liposuction is one of those procedures that will always come in handy.”

Let’s break that down, shall we?  First, I mean, of course she asks for surgery all the time.  Of course she does!  I know when I was seven, plastic surgery was all I could concentrate on.  I sure wasn’t thinking about my Cabbage Patch Kids or gum or getting the brush my friend Becca got stuck in my hair out without telling my mom.  My main concern on a daily basis was obviously, “Gosh, my only hope is that when I’m super old, like 18, and get fat and lumpy like Mommy says I will, I will be able to afford liposuction.”

Second, “Liposuction is one of those procedures that will always come in handy.”  While I’ve definitely thought this in my adult life, (Thanksgiving ’07 comes to mind, as well as that time I saw pictures of myself from Halloween  and thought, Hmm.  So THAT’s what I would look like if I actually managed to eat myself,)  there’s not one reason in the world a seven-year-old child should.  Also, you know what else might “come in handy?”  11 grand towards a fucking college education, you stupid woman.  Or, in your case, it’s likely best used towards therapy to undo all of the damage you’re inflicting on young Poppy.

It’s really not funny at all.  This woman obviously has some major problems and could do with a healthy bout of therapy herself.  But this poor little girl – how much of a chance does she have for a healthy image of herself, in any respect, as she gets older?  She’s just being set up for a lifetime of unhappiness and continuously striving for the impossible.

And don’t today’s girls have enough to deal with?  Shit, adolescence was a nightmare for me, and that was (way) before Britney and her little schoolgirl uniform made it just that much harder for everyone.  (In retrospect, being an acne-riddled, glasses-wearing, braces-having tuba player with a perm did me no favors, but my point remains the same.)

Maybe Poppy has some other support system in the form of a family friend or sister or aunt who is not batshit insane.  I hope she does.  I hope that this little girl manages to not turn into the freak show her mother is and she develops some self-worth from something other than her looks.

Most of all, I hope when she turns 18 and can use those vouchers, she looks at her mother, rips them up, and says proudly, “Fuck you.  I’m perfect the way I am.”

Things We Should All Stop Doing in 2012

It’s that time of year again!  The time when everyone resolves to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, integrate organization into their chaotic lives, etc.  While these goals are certainly admirable, I’ve found in trying the above for several years running that all it accomplishes is a crushing sense of defeat somewhere around January 16th when I’m sitting in a pile of Weight Watchers cookbooks I bought for $35, up a pound and a half at my last weigh in, cigarette in hand, trying to remember where I put my shoes.

(Side note – Statistically, the third Monday in January is the saddest day of the year.  The resolutions are broken, the weather is miserable, and there’s no holiday until Memorial Day unless you’re a teacher.  Or, um, have no job.  Which, incidentally, doesn’t help.)

On that note, this year I have only one goal: find a job.  Preferably one which does not make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.  But as this is less of a resolution than a necessity, I’ve compiled a list of things that might make us all much happier, should we all choose to abide by them.

Please note – I am NOT EXEMPT from being a part of the below categories.  While not all of of them apply to my life, the majority likely do.

 Stop. Watching. The. Kardashians.

Seriously.  Enough is enough.  “Kendall’s Sweet 16,” “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” “Kim and Kourtney Take New York,” “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,” “Khloe and Lamar,” and the list is apparently going to go on and on and on until we STOP THE MADNESS.  It is our own fault that this insipid girl and her entire family is able to make millions and millions for absolutely no reason.  In addition, we are perpetuating a very bad cycle that tells young girls, “If you’re somewhat pretty and have money, you don’t have to be anything else!  Just continue being as dumb as a bag of fish and people will pay you!”  There is simply no reason these people are famous save for an obviously fabulous publicist and the fact that WE KEEP WATCHING THEM.  If they take over the world, I’m blaming you.

While We’re At It, Let’s Just Not Make Any More Reality TV.

Can you get on board with me on this one?  Because as it stands, the ratio of reality TV to new concepts is about 17/1.  The categories are Weight Loss, Talent, Eating Scorpions, Marrying Someone Rich, and Trivia.  That’s it, folks.  No need for 15 subcategories under each heading.  Pretty soon we’re going to have “Fat People Eating Only Bugs to Survive While Meeting Their Millionaire Spouse, but Only If They Can Name All Of The State’s Capitals While Walking on a Tightrope,” and that is the day my head will explode and all of our world leaders give up completely.

(Edited: I forgot the teen moms.  But they need to go, too.  See also, “Kardashians – People to Stop Glamorizing.”)

Baggy Pants or Skinny Jeans: Pick a Style, Boys.

I understand that fashion trends come and go.  I also understand most people over 30, myself included, will not understand or agree with these trends.  I’m okay with this.  I get now why my parents used to cringe in the 90’s and why my mother wanted to burn my overalls.  While I want to shave every young man’s head I see with Justin Bieber’s haircut, I understand it is fashionable, and they will laugh at themselves in years to come, just as we do when looking at those pictures of the “Wall of Bangs” that was known as the late eighties/early nineties.  But I simply cannot get on board with skintight jeans, fastened with a belt securely underneath the rear end of a ninety pound teenager.  HOW DO YOU WALK??  Be a hipster, be a gangster, but please pick one.  You can’t do both.  Because I’ve walked behind you, and the fact that you have to shuffle because your pants are ridiculous slows me down.

Let’s Cut Back on the Facebook, Shall We?

Now, anyone who knows me is laughing at this.  I love Facebook.  A lot.  I get a majority of my news from it, keep up with old friends and acquaintances, and post many a vapid thought on it.  I am “that girl” on Facebook quite often, and for the most part, I’m okay with it.  It’s an indescribable, primal urge that requires me to post a picture of where I’m at and who I’m with on the rare occasions I go anywhere, as though if I don’t post it, it didn’t actually happen.  Now, as addictions go, it’s not a bad one; it’s free, it’s not (physically) unhealthy, and doesn’t hurt anyone.   But now that it is one step away from putting a chip in me and posting my comings and goings without my knowledge,  I’m getting scared.  I’m not saying to stop Facebook, as I have no intentions of doing so.  I am saying to stop adding features that may or may not publicize the fact that I’m in my bathroom.

Let’s Go Back To Naming Babies Actual Names.

Here’s a few celebrity baby names from 2011:  Genesis, Gemma, Arlo, Hattie, Colt, Weston, Spike, Xander, Milo, Clover, Haven,  Indiana, Arabella, Kase, Bingham, Cree, Aleph, Cleo, Bear Blu, Kannon, Moroccan, Coco Reese, Ever, and Locklyn.

Never mind that I want to put the parents of said children in a pillowcase of porcupines (extra sharp ones for the p’s of Clover, Cree, and ALEPH,) but seriously?  These are barely words, let alone names!   Let’s just all get past the “oh so original and creative” names as well as the Tyler/Taylor/Aiden/Aidan/Madyson/Madison/Skylar/Skyler-I-have-no-idea-if-you’re-a-boy-or-girl mess and go back to Johnny and Bobby teasing Jennifer and Sarah on the swingsets, shall we?  Because giving your child a name like the above sets the bar WAY TOO HIGH.  They absolutely have to be the coolest kid in school or else they’re going to get the shit beat out of them with a name like Bingham.  Sure, they may grow into it and it’s a fabulous name for an actor but the middle school years?  Are going to suck.  A lot.

No More Wearing Big, Stupid, Outfits in the Name of “Art.”

I’m sorry, but a meat dress?  Is not art.  It’s just not.  It’s fucking disgusting.  I’m happily willing to admit that I’m not an artist, and I have enough self-awareness that I realize that just because I don’t like or understand something doesn’t make it stupid.  But there are some things that are just stupid.  And that meat dress was one of those things.  The outfits Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj wore at that one awards show (I can’t find the pictures.  Google searching “Outrageous Outfits, Nicki Minaj,” surprisingly did not turn up what I was looking for,)  that made them look like a three-year-old on hallucinogenics dressed them also fall in this category.  NOT ART.  You’re beautiful. You have a fabulous body.  You can wear anything and look stunning.  Don’t pick something that makes you look like a goddamn fruit salad.

(Edited: Apparently the meat dress was last year.  My point remains the same.)

No More Rappers for Five Years.

With the exception of Pitbull (and Nicki Minaj, actually,) everyone that has emerged in this genre since Eminem has pretty much sucked.  Talking fast to a beat does not make you a musician.  Yelling “YEEAH” in the background of a good beat does not make you a musician.  It makes you lucky.  Let’s stop giving these people money, yes?  Because I’m tired of hearing three variations of the same damn song every fifteen minutes.   All of you, think of some new shit, get some new beats, find some new words, and then we’ll buy your stuff.  Stop recycling.  You don’t even have to pull your pants up, just be original, for God’s sake.

Thoughts?  Am I just getting old and intolerant?  Or would my suggestions make for a better 2012?