The great Barbara Walters “Ten Most Fascinating People,” special is airing tonight. Curious – and keep in mind as of this writing, only eight have been revealed – I googled said special to see if it was worth watching. I actually really like Barbara Walters and enjoy her interviews, but after seeing some of the people that she finds fascinating, I find myself questioning, well, everything. In short? I. Was. Horrified.
As someone who devoured “Twilight,” “The Hunger Games,” and “50 Shades of Grey,” with shameless abandon and listens to teenybopper music, (I love you, Justin Bieber,) with zero a trace of irony, it’s not as though I’m coming at this from some high and mighty, intellectual perspective. However, if some of these people are fascinating, I implore you to take a step into a local bar and interview someone there, because they probably have more to say than these folks. Out of the eight names released, here’s a few that I’m pretty convinced my mailman is more interesting than. And I’ve never even talked to him. Also – America? We’re fucked. Because we did this.
Argh. I hate to speak poorly of kids, but little miss Alana is by far the most irritating, disagreeable child I have ever seen, on television or otherwise. I worked at a daycare for two years and had children steal dollars out of my purse, hit me, poop in their pants ON PURPOSE while smiling at me, and give me lice, and I have never, ever been as disgusted with them as I am with this little girl. How about we stop rewarding horrible behavior? We have already made this disgusting family millions simply based on the fact that we apparently love trainwrecks and want to make them rich, but now we’re going to further their “career,” by calling them fascinating? They’re not fascinating; they’re ROTTEN. They are rotten, stupid people with a child who has no manners and they encourage her to be as nasty as possible because it makes them more money. Your cash cow has paid off – how about start saving some of that money and give this poor thing a chance at a real life? Because I’m sorry, when you’re six years old and already define “hot mess,” there’s not enough therapy in the world to keep you off the pole.
Right. Because “Gangnam Style” is clearly the epitome of a new era of music. I’m sure Bono, Springsteen, Coldplay and the like are all just kicking themselves for not incorporating more South Korean into their albums. Six albums and one Youtube sensation makes him fascinating? I mean, don’t get me wrong – it’s a damn catchy song. But the fact that A) So’s “My Bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R!” and no one’s vetting that poor sap out as amazing, and B) IT’S NOT IN ENGLISH, makes us kind of stupid. Psy could be spouting, “Keep watching my video, stupid bastards,” and we’d all still be bopping our heads like fucking idiots on the dance floor with our drinks, yelling, “I totally love this song!!!” You know who else was a Youtube sensation? That kid who bit his brother’s finger. Get some perspective, America.
Why? Why, Babs, Why???? Fascinating. Really. The most fascinating thing about this girl is that she has a damn career at all. Excuse me, Kristen? The fact that you somehow landed a role in one of the most watched movie sagas in history, despite being completely incapable of actually acting or being able to participate in an interview with more animation than Woody from “Toy Story,” should have you thanking your lucky goddamn stars enough to not rock the boat. (Plus, you get to hang out with Taylor Lautner with no shirt. Seriously. What else do you want??) But no, you have to go and cheat on your boyfriend? Who, while despite my personal opinion that he’s a completely unsexy creep, is one of the most loved movie characters ever? What in the actual fuck? How stupid are you?
We’re getting dumber, America. I’m not exempt from this, for sure, my sick obsession with “Duck Dynasty,” being my most recent example of ignorance. (Jase? You rule.) But the most fascinating people of the year should be people that made contributions to society, that made contributions to humanity, that did something worth talking about. Talk to a firefighter, or a nurse, or a police officer. Talk to a community activist, to a homeless person, to a cab driver. I’ll go ahead and guarantee a day in their life is more fascinating than a grown man who acquiesces to being called “Sugar Bear” in public dealing with a child hopped up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew.