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Things We Learned in 2012

Last year around this time, I published a post detailing all of the things I wished would stop in the year 2012.  The fact that none of these things stopped happening kind of hurts my feelings.  The Kardashians are still famous and somehow the celebrity gods found something even more annoying than them in Honey Boo Boo and her rotten cow family.  We’ve added even more reality TV shows and now watch with baited breath to find out what the hillbilly duck callers will do next and which poor sap will get humiliated the most at a pawn shop.  Since no one of any authority will listen to me regarding things we didn’t need more of, here’s some things we learned in 2012 that will hopefully make us better in 2013.

hate or spell

Never has the above been so true as it was during the presidential elections this past year.  Social media has given every American with access to WiFi and a modicum of “knowledge”  to blast their opinion all over the internet, and wow, did this election make us ugly.  On one hand, in my mind it’s a good thing that so many were talking about the issues, interested in the outcome, and genuinely vested in the election of our President.  On the other, I am absolutely gobsmacked horrified that so many of the public have the mental capacity to cast a vote for the leader of the free world without having a damn concept of the English language. And from everything I saw, the more vitriolic the hate, the more atrocious the spelling.  Facebook and Twitter gives everyone a platform, and I’m pretty sure this election proved that NOT EVERYONE DESERVES ONE.  “obamas sucks!”  “Hey Mitt Rouamney, no one wants a mormom president,” “baracks an idiot, i didn’t get no free phone,” and “romneys totes winning this debacle,” are some things I saw in Facebook posts and Twitter feeds.  The tweets from this election alone should convince all leaders — fuck everything else, we really, really need better education.  Because I am seeing the future, it does not contain apostrophes and I. Am. Frightened.


Aw, honey, I hope your diamonds don’t scratch your eyes while you’re wiping away tears.

My new favorite person in the world may be Jon Hendren.  He took some time this Christmas to retweet some extremely ungrateful (what I have to assume is) teenagers’ horrified responses to their Christmas presents.  What I took from it is that teenagers?  Pretty much suck.  We are apparently raising the most entitled, poor-me generation to ever walk the Earth and the proof?  Is in Twitter.  From the above picture to the lovely Beliebers venting their extreme frustration at the Newtown shooting interrupting the Ellen show with their idol, Twitter is proof that if you are under 18, you really shouldn’t have a platform.  Granted, plenty of folks over 18 (and 21, and 31, and 40,) probably shouldn’t either, but at least they are old enough to be accountable.  I have to hope that those of you sending this crap across the internet will be embarrassed at yourselves later in life and wish that perhaps you hadn’t published such a self-centered thought.  ( I hope.  Please, please, be better.)


There’s an ecard for everything.  EVERYTHING.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been known to post them occasionally on my own facebook as they do make me laugh.  But we have gotten to the point that every. single. fucking. situation. IN THE WORLD can now be pared down to a cartoon and a clever saying.  Drink too much?  There’s an ecard for that.  Kids driving you crazy?  There’s an ecard for that.  Husband’s a stereotypical male?  Ecard.  Stepmother’s pet monkey keeps borrowing your rainbow sweater?  Ecard.  Bipolar neighbor’s pet ferret keeping you up at night?  Ecard.  Have to flip your pillow over in the middle of the night?  Ecard.  Tired of the rodeo clown riding a unicycle down your street with a lasso?  Ecard.  It’s out of hand, folks.  Out. Of. Hand.


The above?  Are the top Google searches, by category, in 2012.  I’m skipping over the fact that when it comes to the TV show category I don’t even know the first two and the third makes me want to stab my eyes with hot forks because, well, if I think about it too long I want to stab everyone in the eyes with hot forks.  But the rest – seriously?  Is there one thing on this list – ONE THING – that has made an actual difference in anyone’s lives?  Of course, to any of those close with the celebrities who have passed, and those affected by the storms, these were life-changing events.  But the rest of us?  The general public?  How stupid and superficial are we??  Is anyone else concerned that there is not one political figure, not one search on gay marriage laws, not one argument about health care, nor one search on education?

We need to smarten up, folks.  Let’s make 2013 the year that we stop glorifying hot messes and start jumping into actual reality, not TV reality.  Reality is not pawn shops making millions on a television show.  Reality is not neatly explained in a cartoon.  Reality is not supported by twitter feeds of our favorite celebrities. The line between reality and social media is markedly different and we need to realize that before Honey Boo Boo is the goddamn president by fucking default.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Oh, America, We Are Easily Fascinated

The great Barbara Walters “Ten Most Fascinating People,” special is airing tonight.  Curious – and keep in mind as of this writing, only eight have been revealed – I googled said special to see if it was worth watching.  I actually really like Barbara Walters and enjoy her interviews, but after seeing some of the people that she finds fascinating, I find myself questioning, well, everything.  In short?  I. Was. Horrified.

As someone who devoured “Twilight,” “The Hunger Games,” and “50 Shades of Grey,” with shameless abandon and listens to teenybopper music, (I love you, Justin Bieber,) with zero a trace of irony, it’s not as though I’m coming at this from some high and mighty, intellectual perspective.  However, if some of these people are fascinating, I implore you to take a step into a local bar and interview someone there, because they probably have more to say than these folks.   Out of the eight names released, here’s a few that I’m pretty convinced my mailman is more interesting than.  And I’ve never even talked to him.  Also – America?  We’re fucked.  Because we did this.


Honey Boo-Boo.

Argh.  I hate to speak poorly of kids, but little miss Alana is by far the most irritating, disagreeable child I have ever seen, on television or otherwise.  I worked at a daycare for two years and had children steal dollars out of my purse, hit me, poop in their pants ON PURPOSE while smiling at me, and give me lice, and I have never, ever been as disgusted with them as I am with this little girl.  How about we stop rewarding horrible behavior?  We have already made this disgusting family millions simply based on the fact that we apparently love trainwrecks and want to make them rich, but now we’re going to further their “career,” by calling them fascinating?   They’re not fascinating; they’re ROTTEN.  They are rotten, stupid people with a child who has no manners and they encourage her to be as nasty as possible because it makes them more money.  Your cash cow has paid off – how about start saving some of that money and give this poor thing a chance at a real life?  Because I’m sorry, when you’re six years old and already define “hot mess,” there’s not enough therapy in the world to keep you off the pole.


Right.  Because “Gangnam Style” is clearly the epitome of a new era of music.  I’m sure Bono, Springsteen, Coldplay and the like are all just kicking themselves for not incorporating more South Korean into their albums.  Six albums and one Youtube sensation makes him fascinating?  I mean, don’t get me wrong – it’s a damn catchy song.  But the fact that A) So’s “My Bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R!” and no one’s vetting that poor sap out as amazing, and B) IT’S NOT IN ENGLISH, makes us kind of stupid.  Psy could be spouting, “Keep watching my video, stupid bastards,” and we’d all still be bopping our heads like fucking idiots on the dance floor with our drinks, yelling, “I totally love this song!!!”  You know who else was a Youtube sensation?  That kid who bit his brother’s finger.  Get some perspective, America.

Kristen Stewart.

Why?  Why, Babs, Why????  Fascinating.  Really.  The most fascinating thing about this girl is that she has a damn career at all.  Excuse me, Kristen?  The fact that you somehow landed a role in one of the most watched movie sagas in history, despite being completely incapable of actually acting or being able to participate in an interview with more animation than Woody from “Toy Story,” should have you thanking your lucky goddamn stars enough to not rock the boat.  (Plus, you get to hang out with Taylor Lautner with no shirt.  Seriously.  What else do you want??)  But no, you have to go and cheat on your boyfriend?  Who, while despite my personal opinion that he’s a completely unsexy creep, is one of the most loved movie characters ever?  What in the actual fuck?   How stupid are you?

We’re getting dumber, America.  I’m not exempt from this, for sure, my sick obsession with “Duck Dynasty,” being my most recent example of ignorance.  (Jase?  You rule.)  But the most fascinating people of the year should be people that made contributions to society, that made contributions to humanity, that did something worth talking about.  Talk to a firefighter, or a nurse, or a police officer.  Talk to a community activist, to a homeless person, to a cab driver.  I’ll go ahead and guarantee a day in their life is more fascinating than a grown man who acquiesces to being called “Sugar Bear” in public dealing with a child hopped up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew.