I’m sorry, but isn’t there a relatively important election coming up? Did the East Coast not just get hit with the biggest storm that it has ever seen? Are there not millions of people without power? Isn’t Honey Boo Boo still on television? I must be misinformed, because according to the trending topics on Yahoo, we have much bigger things to worry about. The top five trending topics, as of 8:15 CST on 10/30/12, are a pathetic mishmash of search terms. I’ve listed them below. You are hurting my feelings, Yahoo searchers.
“Lil Wayne Scolded.”
First of all, the use of the word “scolded,” in this title makes it seem innocuous and silly to me. By whom? His mother? Because I feel as though a mom is really the only one that scold appropriately. But no, this wasn’t his mother. Instead, a judge is apparently upset with Lil Wayne as he was too busy having seizures to attend his ongoing trial regarding a dispute around his music. Two things to note here – I do not know if Lil Wayne is at fault here because I refuse to look further into it. The other is that I use the term music loosely here, as I don’t understand how this guy has the following he has. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a big fan of rap. However, muttering a lot of words really quickly completely unrelated to the great beat behind you does not make you a rapper. It makes you annoying. And apparently gets you scolded.
The fuck??? Is it 1997? Am I in Hewitt Hall, bemoaning my 10AM class and waiting for Papa John’s pizza? Because I’m pretty sure that was the last time Ian Ziering was relevant to anything. He was the least liked character on an extremely popular TV show in the 90’s. It’s IAN ZIERING. How many people could possibly care that he’s expecting another child? I mean, I wish them all the best and such, but folks? The last episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 aired in 2000. If your last film credit is more than 12 years ago, as far as I’m concerned, you are no more famous than my cat.
“Kelsey Grammer Baby.”
So, Kelsey Grammer has a 3 month old baby. Whom he decided to bring, along with his wife, to a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion over the weekend. According the very busy, opinionated, vicious mongers who spend inordinate amounts of time commenting on Yahoo’s top stories, this was a grievious, disgusting error that is going to take years of therapy later on in baby Faith’s life to overcome. Folks? A little perspective here? Faith doesn’t know she has feet. I sincerely doubt she’s going to remember sleeping through a party. The fact that she was conceived when her father was nearly sixty and her mother was barely out of her twenties is probably going to fuck her psyche up a lot more than being in the same room with Hugh Hefner as an infant.
I hate Donald Trump. I hate his smugness, I hate his hair, I hate his T.V. shows. But most of all, I hate his recent disgusting attempt at making it look as though the President would forgo a charity millions of dollars. Wait, I take that back. Most of all, I hate that he used a hurricane to try and resurrect his ridiculous publicity fail. You sir, are not God. Nor are you the President. You are filthy rich and an extremely successful businessman. Last I checked, that does not give you the power to play reindeer games with the leader of the free world. You will never be that powerful and I hope someone shaves your stupid head in your sleep and hacks your Twitter account.
“Cloud Atlas Flop.”
Whaaaa?? A multimillion dollar Hollywood film fell ridiculously short of expectations? That never happens!!! I’m not opining on the movie itself because A) I haven’t seen it and B) I think it looks kind of cool. (A bad sign for Cloud Atlas. I also loved every second of Twilight, have never seen Star Wars, and can recite every word to Billy Madison and Mallrats. I have horrible taste in movies.) Regardless – again – who cares? Tom Hanks and Halle Berry are probably going to rebound. I say that’s what you get for trying to sell a powerful love story that spans multiple fantasy worlds to an audience that watches an unlikable child, rich housewives, and a show called “Duck Dynasty” on a regular basis. What did you expect, Hollywood? We’re too dumbed down for this.
The internet is making us dumber, friends. There’s such an abundance of information that we get caught up in the completely trivial and overlook the important, not vice versa. Unfortunately, as I just looked at the five most recent Yahoo searches on my phone and they are, “Key and Peele,” “Rules to Shitter,” “Angel Cubs 2003,” “Mike Jersey Shore,” and “Famous Song by Don Henely,” I’m in no position to launch stones out of my glass house.
Off to hang my head in shame somewhere. At least go vote next week, okay?