I don’t read gossip magazines. I don’t follow celebrity blogs or Twitter feeds, I don’t watch E! or Extra or TMZ. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure if those are the “popular” celebrity sites or shows; those are just the ones I remember flipping past on the television when I do watch my late night reruns. Part of the reason is that it makes me feel old – either they’re showing videos and photos people like Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin doing grown up things when in my head, they are permanently ten years old – or they make me feel dirty and old, i.e. showing a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless and I’m all “Ooh, yummy,” until I remember that he was probably still in diapers when I graduated high school and then I’m all, “Ew, I’m old enough to be a cougar,” and have a drink instead of continuing to hurt my own feelings. Another part of the reason? Is that I despise everything Kim Kardashian and it is fucking impossible to watch any sort of gossip/celebrity show without that stupid bag of hair smiling beatifically for a photo-op with that walking piece of arrogance she’s engaged to.
But the biggest reason of all is shit like this interview with Mariah Carey in which she compares her time on American Idol to working with Satan every day. I had to read the whole thing because I thought to myself, “That’s impossible. She wouldn’t actually say something so ridiculous.” She did. Read the article. Her exact words? “It was like going to work every day in hell with Satan.”
Really, Mariah? Was it really so bad? Was it really just so, so, very difficult to get paid 18 fucking million dollars to judge a talent show? 18 million dollars. Do you have any concept of how much money that actually is?
THINGS I WOULD DO FOR 18 MILLION DOLLARS
Yes – Pretty much anything
No – Eat a baby
I once had a manager when I was waiting tables whose night was not complete unless he made someone cry. He would scream profanities at you that didn’t even make sense, “Fucking yes bread is slow stop waiting dammit go!” “Don’t care steak broken fryer!” and my favorite, a horrifying Hunger Games version of red light green light, “Get out! Where are you going! Get that out! Get back here! What are you waiting for?! Pay attention and stop!” until you were slip sliding in your own sweat holding a full tray of food above your head with one hand, questioning every life choice you ever made. Do you know how much money I made doing that four or five times a week for three years, Mary Poppins? Three dollars an hour. And do you know what else? I did it with a fucking smile, because I had a job and I was grateful. How long would you make it in a regular job, Ms. Mariah? As a mail carrier, a receptionist, a customer service rep? A nurse, a social worker, a teacher? You’re a very lucky woman. You were born with an extraordinary talent that you’ve used to your advantage, which ensures that you will never actually have to “work,” in the real world a day in your life. From what the article stated, part of your problem is that Nicki Minaj called you “insecure,” and “bitter.” Instead of having the audacity to feel sorry for yourself, prove her wrong. Take a look around and be happy and humble at what life has provided you with. Or at least get a better publicist that will advise you against complaining about the show that paid you 18 million dollars in one year to sit on a stage and look pretty.
Here we are in a new year, folks! Happy 2013! It’s the time of year everyone’s going to lose weight, stop smoking, get control of the clutter in our lives, and stop watching so much damn TV. Right? Bullshit. Ask me in November 2013 what’s changed since January and I guarantee most responses will be something along the lines of, “Yeah, what the fuck ever. I was probably drunk when I said that.” I’m all for resolutions and wanting to better your life, but as I’ve stated before, every time I make them I end up in a pile of Weight Watchers cookbooks somewhere around January 15th, smoking a cigarette, looking for my shoes while partially mesmerized by an NCIS marathon and eating mashed potatoes.
Just me? Okay. I can buy that – perhaps some of you actually stick to what you say you’re going to do. That being said, it’s four days in and I am already irritated by the anticipated celebrity news that’s going to to fucking polarize everyone in the upcoming year. Here’s a few people that I promise you are going to be sick of by May.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and their vile offspring.
Yeah, cause you’re super excited to hear about this for the next couple of months, aren’t you? Two of the most irritating, talentless, money-hungry assholes in Hollywood are going to HAVE A BABY??? Well thank Christ cause you know what we need? More kids that think the world is theirs for the taking despite a lack of any discernable skill. That’s pretty much what America’s been missing. And as a service to you, you don’t need to look at a tabloid for the next six months – here’s the headlines.
“Kim’s Baby Bump!”
“Kanye to Kim – You’re Too Fat!”
“Kim to Kanye – Leave Me and My Baby Alone!”
“Kim and Kanye Cheating Scandal! Kim tells Kanye, ‘You’re Not the Father!'”
“Bruce Jenner, ‘Oh For the Love of Fuck. Someone Kill Me.'”
“Kanye and Kim’s $3Million Nursery!”
You know how this ends? #kimye #yourparentssuck #sorryyouhavenochanceofnotbeinganasshole
(And yeah. It really hurt to say kimye. But you know it’s happening. You do. Give it a minute.)
Rihanna and Chris Brown
So they’re back together, and super happy about it. Am I the only one who doesn’t care? I don’t know what happened back in 2009. What I do know is that these are two grown adults, both of whom have access to the best resources available for anger management and domestic abuse issues. If EITHER of them choose not to take advantage, I. Don’t. Care. Does anyone else not want to hear about this shit for another year? The only reason these two are stlll relevant is because he beat the crap out of her before an awards show. I don’t care to follow the rest of this dysfunctional relationship through another year of Grammy’s and VMA’s. Now we’re going to celebrate their “music achievements?” Fuck you. If he was average Joe he’d be in jail (I hope,) and if she were Average Jane she’d be in a shelter. Fuck you both for glorifying it. I don’t want to hear about your damn romance for the next year. Cause I. Don’t. Care. Have I mentioned that?
Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj
Hi. Perhaps no one mentioned to you two that American Idol has been obsolete since 2008. And possibly before then. Ladies? Paula Abdul quit. Paula. Fucking. Abdul. That didn’t give you the clue this show was jumping the fucking shark? Ryan Seacrest has replaced Dick fucking Clark and the only reason I can possibly fathom he’s still around is due to a contract signed way before he knew his white teeth, small stature, and radio voice would make him millions. I’m not disparaging either Mariah’s or Nicki’s talent – they both have it in spades, albeit in different formats. That being said, Ryan. Seacrest. Is probably making more on this show than you. You don’t get to have a diva fight. Because Ryan. Fucking. Seacrest. is more popular than you two. Stop judging. He’s the bigger diva. Yeah, I know it’s sad. But I’m not in charge of everything, despite my repeated requests. Life’s a bitch, girls.
In short, to say that I’m not excited about the celebrity news that’s forthcoming in 2013 might be an understatement. But unless Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift make a love child, this is what we’re dealing with.
And if I ever have to write “Justtay” or “Biebswift” I’m punching everyone in the ears; I don’t care whose fault it is.
Happy New Year!