Took a week off from yelling at people in my head last week to bring you the lovely story about my glorious days as a tuba playing elk. Despite this, I apparently still have friends that are willing to look past my awkward years, and for that I thank you all. That being said, here’s some people that I wish would have been shot into the sun this week.
The Completely Clueless and Furious Attorney Who Kept Repeating Himself at an Increasing Volume for 15 Minutes:
What I Said: “Sir? Sir? I understand – SIR. I do apologize. I did speak with Angela from your office, have you checked with her?”
What I Meant: “You, sir, are an asshole. Let me talk to your secretary as she is clearly the brains behind your operation. Also, ‘all this new bullshit,’ you speak of isn’t all that new. Last I checked, email has been relatively common in the workplace for about twenty years.”
Miss Fancy McGiant Bag and Her Extremely Animated Friend, Mr. Flailing Hands, on the Bus:
What I Said: “No problem! It’s crowded this morning!”
What I Meant: “You dizzy bitch. If you’re going to carry a bag the size of a rhinocerous, take a cab. I have enough trouble keeping my brains in my head; I don’t need you knocking me in the face with your ten pound lunch. And you, yes you, flapping your hands like a fucking pigeon – knock it off. You’re telling the dumbest story I’ve ever heard – there is absolutely zero need to draw more attention to it.”
The Gentleman at the Bus Stop Who Yelled in Spanish Right in My Face Until I Could Escape:
What I Said: “Lo siento. No hablo Espanol.”
What I Meant: “I understand you perfectly and no, I will not give you a cigarette, rodeo. You’re wearing a fucking sombrero and clown pants at 8:30 in the morning and I refuse to contribute in any way to this foolishness.”
The Girl Dressed in Lime Green Spandex, A Skintight Blue Shirt, Red High Heels, Ornaments as Earrings, and about Two Hundred Extra Pounds:
What I said: “Good morning…”
What I Meant: “Excuse me? Do you know you’re dressed as a bipolar Christmas tree? Here’s a tip – ask for a full-length mirror this year. Trust me.”
How was everyone else’s week?