Back when I originally started this blog, one of my first posts was written after I saw a small child outfitted in knee and elbow guards, a helmet, and shin guards whilst tricycling past my apartment. The sight led me to question the helicopter parent mentality that is so prevalent today which I strongly feel is pretty much turning the next generation into whiny little pansies who aren’t allowed to play dodgeball cause it’s ouchy. (Really? I got hit with a hockey stick in gym class when I was in fourth grade. In the face. While I still remember the incident, it’s more because it taught me, “Stay away from aggressive boys with hockey sticks,” and less “I’m severely traumatized and will require years of therapy.”) Deciding to research some ridiculous safety devices, I stumbled on the horrific fabulousness that is the skymall website and proceeded to have a grand old time mocking their products and those that buy them. I recently revisited the site of that great mall in the sky and discovered that since 2008, Skymall has updated their catalogue and looky loo what we’ve been missing!!
***You can read the original post here. My favorite is the neck therapy devices.***
The Upright Sleeper
This is featured in their “travel” section, designed for comfortable sleeping wherever you are. Yeah, you want to be next to this guy on a plane, dontcha? If I can’t bring shampoo with me, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be seated next to someone with a device that appears DESIGNED TO STRANGLE SOMEONE. Also, doesn’t this look like it would take just a teeny tiny bout of turbulence for him to bite his tongue off while strapped into this? Because I also don’t like getting bled on and am bad in an emergency.
The Hidden Litter Box
“Hey, do you know you have a tub full of shit and piss with a plant growing out of it next to your leather couch? ” Enough said.
The Napkin Clip
You fucktard. You can’t drink a cup of coffee without dumping it down your shirt? They tout this as “great for restaurants.” Unless you are under the age of six, severely physically or mentally challenged, or in a rib eating contest, there is no circumstance where this is okay, least of all a public restaurant. Also – if you require a bib while standing in your own kitchen – and I’m assuming it’s hers, simply because if you are the sort of person who brings a fucking bib wherever you go, you probably don’t get invited to a lot of parties – chances are you shouldn’t be drinking anything without a straw. And a helmet.
Oh well for the love of God and everything holy. First of all, am I the only one terrified of the Snuggie? Do they not remind anyone else of the Jim Jones massacre? There was a Snuggie pub crawl in my neighborhood not long ago and I cowered in my house, convinced someone was going to stuff me in a blue blanket and pour Kool-Aid down my throat. Second of all, fellas? Chances are, if your lady talks you into wearing one of these with you? It doesn’t mean she wants to cuddle. It means you are never going to have sex again. Hope you’re comfortable, cause you’re going to be on that couch for a LOOOONG time.
Gentle Standing Back Stretcher
What in the actual fuck? A BACK STRETCHER???? Here’s another idea. Stand up and put a chair three feet in front of you. Bend over. Same position, same results, much less likely to get screwed out of three hundred dollars. You moron.
Pugz Shoes for Dogs
You dick. You’re that guy, aren’t you? You know why Duke here looks so confused? It’s cause he can’t figure out what he could have possibly done in a past life that was so horrible that he ended up with an owner that actually googled “Pugz.” And don’t give me that, “Oh, but dogs feet get so cold, too!” shit, either. They. Are. Dogs. You find me a dog that died of hypothermia because it wasn’t wearing boots and I will shave my head. Also – I may not have dogs, but the ones I do know? Would likely maul anyone that tried to put footies on them.
Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar
Okay. So this device apparently gives you “enriched oxygen,” to help you relax. According to the description, “Work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health,” and this machine helps replenish you. I’m calling alcohol was the problem in this particular situation, as she’s passed out on what appears to be her grandmother’s couch and fully clothed in a cocktail dress. That being said, hats off to you, good lady, for having the kind of night that ends like this and still having the wherewithal to realize you’re going to need MORE AIR should you want to avoid the kind of hangover that will make you wish for a swift and painless death.
On one hand, it irritates me that people are spending hard earned money on such superfluous bullshit. I mean seriously – a BACK STRETCHER? On the other, I am the owner of a solid crystal rooster and a bronze monkey that is currently used to hold a hackey sack, so who am I to sit in judgment?
Whatever. Until I put booties on the cats, I’m still winning.