Sometimes I’m surprised when I hear from people, “You’re just so happy and nice to be around all the time! How do you do it?” And I’m all, “Um, have you met me? I kind of use the f-word as a substitute for ‘the,’ and ‘and.'” And then I remember that most of the yelling I do, I do in my head. I’m pretty much at expert at smiling and nodding happily when what I really want to do is find the nearest blunt object and start swinging.
I suspect many of you are the same. At the very least, I would bet that there’s plenty of times you’ve lain awake in the middle of the night, chastising yourself, “Dammit! I should have said, (insert your own violent insult here.)” We’ve all done it – walked away from a confrontation while mentally kicking yourself for not being a quicker thinker like those bitches in the movies who always have a snappy retort at the ready. I do, and it drives me crazy. So every Friday, I’m inviting you to post your witticisms and sarcastic comments that you brilliantly came up with at three in the morning. It’s a win/win! You get to keep your nice persona around the office and general public, but also get to vent your true colors!
It may take some paring down, but I’ll start with just a few.
To the Fancy Girl Who Stomped on My Foot with Her Four Inch Heels on the Bus:
- What I said. “That’s okay – no worries!”
- What I meant. “OW OW MOTHERFUCKING OW!!! You stupid little girl! Heels are not for the bus! And you have the balance of a drunk toddler!! I hate you!”
To the Lady Who Got Mad at Me for Asking Her to Repeat Herself on the Phone:
- What I said. “I’m so sorry, I seem to be having some trouble hearing you. We must have a bad connection.”
- What I meant. “Stop. Chewing. Like. A. Goddamn. Cow. Your keyboard is filled with crusty disgustingness, isn’t it?”
To the People in Charge of the Polling Place in My Neighborhood:
- What I said. “It’s fine, I don’t mind going elsewhere, but I would like to be sure before I walk another six blocks.”
- What I meant. “Seriously? Is everyone in this gymnasium mentally challenged? Here’s my card. Here’s my license. Give me my marker and giant ballot.”
To the Very Important Businessman Who Body Checked Me Into a Post When I Was Getting Off the El.
- What I said. “Whoops, sorry!!” (Because, yeah, I am that asshole that apologizes when someone bumps into me.)
- What I meant. “Hey! BRAD. Cause I’m sure that’s your name. You do that again and I’m going to push you right onto those tracks. You hear me? You giant toolbox. And your fly’s down, but I’m not telling you because you’re a self important douchecanoe. I hope you’re going to an important meeting. Dick.”
Ah, see? I feel better already. Happy Friday and feel free to vent your frustrations!!