And by this shit, I mean absolutely everything. Seriously. I usually try and embrace all of the seasons and take them in stride, “Hey, it’s winter, pretty soon we’ll be complaining about how hot it is!” I even believe myself most of the time. After today, though, when I waited a cumulative 47 minutes outside in subzero wind chills for the CTA, after I slipped going down the stairs, after my I got my stupid coat sleeve wet trying to wash my hands, after I was pushed out of the way by a full grown man for a bus seat, after I dropped my glove and bus card onto the disgusting floor, after I stepped off the bus into a pile of slush up to my ankle, I surrender. This is a big, huge, miserable bucket of suck and I would give my yet-to-be-conceived firstborn for a single afternoon swimming in Lake Michigan. Taking a shower in the morning is the happiest part of my day because it is the only ten minutes of the day I’m actually warm.
- It is too cold to go to the grocery store. I will make a meal out of zucchini and cream cheese if I have to.
- It is too cold for that stupid Erin Andrews probiotics commercial.
- It is too cold to talk about anything other than how cold it is and how much worse next week is going to be.
- It is too cold for every single living soul to turn into an amateur weatherman. Today I heard everything from six inches of snow to 40 degrees tomorrow.
- It is too cold to mop the floors a-fucking-gain.
- It is too cold to listen to one more word about Justin Bieber and the fact that he acts very similar to 70% of 19-year-olds in the United States and it is too cold to scroll through the hundred or so memes that have already been created and are running rampant on Facebook. Two things about this: One, if he was a well-loved superstar to adults instead of teenagers here on a Visa and we were making jokes about deportation, the country would be up in arms. He’s not selling government secrets; he’s an idiot teenager Two, one of the most popular memes thus far is a split-shot of the Biebs and a tough looking criminal with a caption along the lines of “Oh, I’m gonna love you!” Wait, so rape jokes are okay if we don’t like someone’s music or attitude? Come on.
- It is too cold to watch one more fluffed up weatherperson – who is almost always a perky little girl – standing outside in frigid temperatures telling us how cold it is. WE KNOW. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER STAND OUTSIDE??
- It is too cold to remove the plastic Christmas decorations from my front yard because their cords have been frozen to the ground for three weeks.
- It is too cold to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because no matter how high the heat is, the toilet seat is like fucking ice.
- It is definitely too cold for this idiot, Republican GOP candidate Susanne Atanus, who believes “God controls the weather and that tornadoes, autism and dementia are his punishments for the gay rights movement and abortions.” In other news, Santa Claus really does travel the entire world in one night giving gifts to good, deserving (heterosexual) children and the Easter Bunny is totally real.
- It is too cold to even enjoy the beautifulness that is Harry Connick Jr. on American Idol because J-Lo is wearing a dress without a snowsuit over it and it makes me mutter incomprehensible things like, “I bet SHE didn’t almost freeze to the front gate trying to get in. I bet her stupid front door wasn’t frozen shut.” (True story. That was when it was actually 20 below as opposed to balmy 7 degrees we’re enjoying right now.)
- It is too cold for Captain and Tenille to get divorced. WTF???
- It is too cold to be sitting at the laptop with two fur-covered animals just staring at me instead of keeping my feet warm.
- It is too cold to not have a fireplace.
- It is too cold to not be dressed like Randy from a Christmas Story and I hate scarves.
- It is too cold to drive a car.
- It is too cold to enjoy national media pointing out how miserable it is here. Jimmy Fallon has polar vortex songs and I can’t even be happy about them.
I am declaring this weekend Summer in January. The heat’s going up to 80, static electricity be damned – hey, the ensuing fire will only create more heat!!! – we’re getting beach cocktails, spreading out a blanket on the floor, and only playing Jimmy Buffett for 24 hours. Who’s with me??