If you follow this blog or are friends with me on Facebook, you may have noticed that I ran my first 5K this past weekend.  If you didn’t notice, you should probably get your observation skills tested by a professional because I’ve been basically shouting it from every form of social media I have at my disposal.  I’m not going to lie – I am proud of myself.  Proud of myself for signing up, for following through, for finishing, for signing up for more.  It may not seem like the biggest deal; I was among thousands on that day alone, let alone all of the other people that run miles more than that every day. But was a big deal to me.

That being said, I think I may have been overoptimistic and conveniently forgot that the 5K was not just a big party and that before all of the good feels that would come with finishing, I would actually have to run three miles.  While I knew I could do it, I was much more involved in the atmosphere and fun than the actual running portion.

And thus I present to you:  My First 5K – A Narrative

• It’s RACEDAY, BITCHES!!
• Sweet Jesus, it’s early.  Is that the moon?
• I don’t get up this early for work.
• Whatever.  It’s raceday!
• NO YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WEAR A SOX JERSEY TO THE RACE TO WRIGLEY, TONY.
• This is great!  Look at all of these other runners on our bus!  How fun!
• Yes, yes, I am a runner too, people.  I have the commemorative shirt on, just like you.
• Which is a bit smaller than I would like, I must mention.
• I must have been drunk and optimistic when I ordered this size.
• We’re here!  Look at all the people!  There’s my mom and dad!  Yay!
• I have to go to the bathroom right this second.
• Apparently raceday for me starts in a porta-potty.
• Okay, I see how it works.  The 7 minute milers start here.  (Show offs.)  I’ll head back a bit.
• Where, exactly, is the 15 minute miler start line?
• I’ll just stand back here with the people pushing strollers.
• They’re all stretching.  I should stretch.
• Except I don’t really know what I’m doing.  I usually warm up with a brisk walk.
• I’ll just walk in a little circle for a bit.
• Yeah, now you totally look like you’ve done this before.  Stop it.
• Starting horn!  We’re underway!
• Except my group isn’t moving.
• Here we go!  There’s the start line!
• This is awesome!  So many people cheering! Woohoo!!!
• There’s my mom and dad again!  Look at me!  I’m doing it!
• That picture they took is totally going to be my profile pic.
• Wait, why does this hurt already?
• OW.  Should have stretched more.  That’s okay.  First couple of minutes are always a little tough.  You got this.
• Awe, look at this awesome couple!  He’s pushing his wife in a wheelchair!  How great are they?
• I’m kind of sad that I just saw that because he passed me up….
• Huh.  I thought they were going to mark each mile.  Must have read that wrong.  Because surely we’re past the first mile?
• I’ll just check my watch.
• Seven minutes?  It’s only been seven fucking minutes?!
• Where’d all the cheering crowd go?
• I should have brought my headphones.  Listening to myself huff and puff is not super motivating.
• Okay, okay.  Beautiful day, first 5K, we’re doing this!  Look, there’s the first mile marker!  You’re almost done!
• Yay!  They have one of those water tables and I can totally be one of the runners that grabs a cup of water and downs it without stopping, defiantly throwing the cup on the ground as I continue my strenuous run.
• Except no one is handing me water.
• Oh, yay, someone did!
• Yeah, I’m not sure what made you think you could drink a cup of water and run at the same time.
• Because now you’re choking.
• Also, you’re an asshole, because no one else threw their cup on the ground.
• I’ll just double back and throw that in one of the fourteen conveniently placed receptacles.
• This went a lot different in my head.
• Where’s the wheelchair guy?
• Here we go!  The girl in front of me has on a Marine Corps shirt.  And I’m keeping pace!  You, unknown soldier, will be my motivation.  I shall keep up with you.
• That bitch just picked up a toddler, put him on her shoulders, and sped past me.
• Well, there’s like 475 reasons you wouldn’t be a good Marine – this is just another one.
• Wait, no one said there was going to be a hill.
• Now’s probably a good time for a little walk.
• Hey, guy?  On your front porch?  Who just yelled, “Good job!  Only four miles to go!”  You’re an asshole.
• Water station!  That means mile two is done!
• Let’s try not to fuck up so spectacularly with the water this time, yeah?
• I don’t want any more water, anyhow.
• Wheelchair guy!  Yay!
• Don’t think about the fact that you’re celebrating catching a septuagenarian who is literally pushing the weight of another human.  Concentrate on the positive!
• Hey, there’s my mom and dad again!  And friends!
• Hell yes, it IS almost bloody mary time!!
• It’s entirely possible my parents have covered more ground this morning than myself.
• Hey, lady?  With the stroller containing three children?  You are hurting my feelings.
• Yay, more cheerleaders!
• Almost there!  I see the field!
• I do not, however, see a finish line.  Which is unfortunate, because I’m kind of getting done with this whole running thing.
• WTF do you mean, we still have to run around the whole field before we go inside?
• DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THIS STUPID FIELD IS?
• Maybe just another short walk.
• Heading into the concourse!  I did it!
• Except this is kind of uphill, too.
• And I totally have to pee again.  I wonder if the bathrooms are open?
• It would probably be the shortest line ever for the bathroom at Wrigley.
• No one will ever let you live it down if you stop to pee in a three mile race.
• There’s the finish line!
• And there’s all of my favorite people that came to see me!
• That picture?  Is totally not going to be cute.
• FINISHED!!!
• This?  Right here?  With my best friends and family, who got up at the crack of dawn to watch me chug past the finish line?  This is awesome.  I love everything.

Next time, though, I’m bringing my headphones.  Ke$ha and Avril Lavigne are infinitely more motivating than my inner monologue.

Finally!