We have no kids.  Here’s why.

This is Ramon.  Ramon is a non-Spanish speaking female who likes to hide in beer boxes and once had an intimate relationship with a singing stuffed chicken.  She has sent no less than 1/3rd of my family to the hospital due to her penchant for biting.

This is Potato, formerly known as Squanto of the High Plains.  He’s pretty much an asshole.  He has an apparent aversion to litterboxes and prefers to relieve himself on my purses and coats.  He’s escaped twice and for some reason we keep taking him back.  He also likes popcorn, apparently.